Dear Been There:

Thank you so much for your post! I didn't respond right away, 'cause I wanted to read and re-read what you wrote first!

So much of what you wrote rings true for me! I am definately having an identity crisis--I'm 51 years old, have had depression all of my life but able to function with it ("dysthymia" is what the psychologists would call it--"low-level" depression, with intermittent bouts of suicidal ideation but no attempts/hospitalizations), and plagued with generalized anxiety. Since pursuing a "spiritual path", the depression has eased but the anxiety is still paramount.

I was a social worker for almost 20 years before developing health problems and becoming too ill to work, then lived with and took care of my ailing father for a number of years while raising two children. Well, my father died 18 months ago, one son moved out of the house at age 19, and my 15 year old is very self-sufficient. So that leaves me, still unable to work, wondering what I am doing here taking up space on the face of the planet i.e. feeling unworthy, as you write about. Primarily, I ask God-Spirit what am I doing on the planet, what am I supposed to be doing, why am I here? I have to remind myself that it's not what I DO that defines me, but WHO I AM (I AM That I AM--yes!), and that I'm a spiritual being in a human form, and doing the best that I can. I still have a great deal of difficulty saying to myself "I AM Worthy!"

My problem with the senses is that I am TOO sensitive to stimuli--sights/sounds/smells/tastes/touch--I think this is from the anxiety, as I'm always on sensory overload--I believe this comes from being hypervigilant as a child--something I read about kids that are abused, they are under constant stress trying to monitor their situation and stay out of harms way that the stress actually changes their brain chemistry and they grow up to be adults who can not handle stress as well as the average person, and have a greater tendency to have anxiety disorders and depression. I'd say that that's me in a nutshell.

When I wrote these poems, it was on a rare day of NOT feeling overloaded. The healer I'm currently working with is helping me to de-fuse the constant anxiety, which I also believe is why my immune system is shot as my medical problems are all considered to be autoimmune disorders--no duh, after 51 years of constant adrenaline rush, my poor immune system is out of whack from being on overload!

Re: the poems, I am so used to feeling anxious and overloaded all of the time that on a day when the anxiety is actually at bay, I feel abnormal. My healer tells me this may be a "transition period" for my psyche and my body: as the anxiety decreases, I have to come into a normal balance with myself. Feeling "blah" may be a transition between feeling depressed/anxious all of the time and the state I want to be in--one of inner peaceful calm, joy, happiness--no matter what is going on around me.

The only way I know how to get to my goal is to continue the spiritual path I'm on, one that very much means accepting who I AM, KNOWING that God-Spirit loves me beyond measure, not putting so much caring on what others think of me, not fearing to get hurt or that "something bad" is going to happen to me if I "let down my guard", and, yes, accepting that the world is, as you say "not user friendly" and not letting myself get upset about it (this is a big challenge for me). What you write about "treating myself kindly" is what I would call "taking care of myself", also very challenging for me because it often feels selfish to me but I know it is necessary for healing on all levels.

Again, thank you So Much for your comments!
Blessings,
Liora Leah