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Time To Get Freaking Real With Myself, Right?
by #63992

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  • Well, I Broke the News To Mom   by  #63992     16 y     2,654       6 Messages Shown       Blog: Time To Get Freaking Real With Myself, Right?
    So I'm on the phone with my Aunt who's really cool. She knows about the wedding and was asking me if I'd told mother yet. I told her it'd been weighing hard on my thoughts the past 48 hours and I think I'm going to go ahead and tell her. But I really, really don't want to. My aunt told me she hadn't talked to my mom in quite some time kinda waiting on me to go ahead and tell her first. She also convinced me that mom does need to know so she can prepare in her own way. So long story short, I committed to my Aunt that I would in fact call mom that night.

    As I paced the floor giving myself a talk my anxiety grew even more. "This isn't going to go away, geez, tell her already, she's going to explode one way or another." I dialed the phone begging to the gods above for the beautiful sound of what we all know as voicemail. AAAAAUUG, mom picked up. Damn. So I shot the shit with her for awile....we had a nice conversation.

    Then I said, "mom, I've got something important I need to talk to you about. I want you to let me tell you the whole story and I hope we can talk this out and not have a horrible fight, k" she replied quietly, "okay."

    I went into the whole schpeeel about the wedding plans. I told her the reasoning behind why we decided to do what we were going to do. I explained to her that we want it to be simple, casual, small and intimate because that's what the two of us want. Told her I know how crazy she gets in thinking everything must be beyond perfection with every little detail because I know she wants outstanding events for her guests but that's where she and I differ. It's not necessary to go into cardiac arrest while planning an event that is supposed to bring family together for a happy and special moment. Told her I wanted her to be there with me for my wedding. I told her my wedding plans were not a calculated conspiracy to try to punish her and that it's not about her. I told her I'd been putting off telling her for some time because I felt so much anxiety to have this discussion with thoughts she'd just go bolistic unnecessarily and unfairly. Then I let her talk:

    "The only reason you didn't want to tell me is because you knew I'd say no. It's MY lake house and you can't use any of our money for this." (the three of us contribute the same amount of money to a joint account to take care of the place) You do this all the time. When are you going to stop? I guess it's too late now. You've done what you've done. I'm just going to pretend I don't even know."

    Ya wanna know the sick thing about this? It actually went a lot better than I thought it would! Ha. At least there wasn't screaming, cussing, and hanging up. Progress, right? I just have to laugh. I'm just rolling my eyes and shaking my head because for the life of me, I just don't understand why she has to be like that. Granted I'm not the angel w/ the halo in this deal either but as a matter of fact, I remember growing up and my mother not telling her parents stuff for the very same reasons. God I hope I'm not like this with my children I hope to have someday.

    As far as what I think I've come to learn about all this, the bottom line is that I can't control what others are going to say, think, or do and I've just gotta somehow learn to let it go. I do this anxiety avoidance thing when I know there's going to be some sort of confrontation I'm probably not going get the outcome I'm looking for. Like calling the cable company when they've messed up on my bill cause i know i'm going to get the runaround for about an hour. Or like when I avoided my boss for over a week after I'd made the decision to resign. Stuff like that. I mean, I'm never going to get mom to act like a sweet affectionate non recluse who enjoys having others around her, right? Though I want that for my mother I guess it's just never going to be. I don't want to turn into my mother, and I see that some of my behavior is taking me right down that very same path.

    We have these unavoidable confrontations just about every day of our life whether they're immaterial or very serious and I'm the queen of avoiding all of them, which then leads to constant anxiety from the avoidance, and therefore the self medicating self defeating behavoirs. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, journey on.
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