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Time To Get Freaking Real With Myself, Right?
by #63992

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  • My Story   RN   by  #63992     16 y     2,472       5 Messages Shown       Blog: Time To Get Freaking Real With Myself, Right?
    I think the time comes in ones life as we continue to mature and grow to really reflect about our pasts, what's really going on with our present, and how that's going to play out in our future. I know this very serious reflection and thinking has been going on with me for about two years as I near my 39th birthday.

    Being what I call a naive young adult post college, I didn't understand the notion of defeat or true loss. I won all the sales awards, I won all the tennis tournaments, successful with everything in my world. I was happy, naive to defeat, and on top of the world. I hit my 30's and watched my father die in front of my eyes suffering with his last breaths while my new husband was blatantly and simultaneously cheating on me. That changed my life.

    The following years after these events and the divorce, I became a completely different personality. Scared, withdrawn, sad, defensive, lonely, paranoid, angry. As I sit here writing, I can't believe how dramatically I changed as a person. This led to years of indulging immediate gratification behavior...anything to comfort the pain, not even realizing what I was doing. I remember such heavy drinking to the point of having seizures. Of course it never dawned on me it was the alcohol which caused the seizures. Late night binges of partying with people I thought were my friends, but as it turned out our only common denominator was the substances we used together. Sometimes so badly I couldn't even go to work when I was still up at 8am on weeknights.

    Without really knowing it, I continued to binge on the alcohol, substance, food, sex, whatever to give me what I thought was immediate relief from my subconscience beating me alive with the guilt of my ways. My God, this is no way to live, and I know that health, peace and happiness is something few people sincerely ever achieve.

    I want to achieve that. I want self-esteem. I want to feel sharp and great again. I want to feel attractive. I want to be that person. And I'm going to take a REAL SERIOUS look at this with my attempts to get there. The curezone website has provided me with a whole new world I'd never been around. A wealth of information, support, and inspiration locked within the forums.

    This begins my journey to achieve. And to you out there, I also wish all the health, happiness and peace you so much deserve. Let's do this together!!!
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    • wishing you   by  Zoebess     16 y     764
      Wishing you the best on your healing journey.

      Your reflection sounds like you are really ready and all the tools for transformation can be found behind this cyber-door, the Curezone, and many have walked away from here with new leases on life. The price? Research and arm yourself with information and as your awareness grows, peace and health will return. Keep focused on your goals and however many times you stumble, just get up and keep walking!!

      be happy, be well,
      Zoe

      -_-
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      This is my avatar. Click here to see my profile.
      Zoebess
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    • Don't ever stop fighting it!   by  FirstFastMay06     16 y     981
      I know that I have been fighting alcohol for 16 years of my life. I proudly say that I have been fighting it also. I have always been aware what it was doing to me. Physical and mental it has led me down a long winding dark road. I thought I was doing good many times, but it always seemed to come back and get me. The last time I was sober for longer than a month was when I was 21 years old. It's kind of ironic that it just happens to be the drinking age. I was getting alcohol way longer than the legal age and had reliable sources. What happened when I was 21 though really showed me that there is better things out there than alcohol. I started working out and taking care of my body. I was really into nutrition and around that time I didn't want alcohol anymore. So after a few months of being sober, I moved away and stopped working out. Of course alcohol entered my life again and has been there ever since.

      I just decided that I wanted to get back in shape and I started getting worried about the long term effects alcohol is putting on my body. So here I am, 31 years old, and I am deciding now that I will get back in shape and get this alcohol away from me. In the 10 days that I have started I have drank twice. That sounds like a lot to people that don't have this disease, but to me its a step of winning a battle inside myself. I want to cold turkey it like I did ciggarettes, but man, this monster tugs at me so hard.

      The main thing though is I will not stop fighting. I think stopping by curezone.com will have a serious impact on my outcome though. This site is what got me fasting in the first place. You and I both need all the support we can get. I know people will scream AA, but I have been there, done that. It's not for me as of right now. I would go to those meetings and drink as soon as I left because all you do is talk about alcohol.

      I'll continue to be here for you and you for me I hope. An alcoholic understands what we are going through. You can do it though, and if you are like me, I hate hearing "It's your choice to stop drinking" We want to hear... "take this magical pill and you will never drink again" I think one day there will be that pill, but until then, we struggle day to day. Be strong!
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      This is NOT me. This is just randomly assigned avatar, until I upload my own photo. Click here to see my profile.
      FirstFastMay06
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      • Re: Don't ever stop fighting it!   by  #63992     16 y     871
        Your words and description is the very essence of what I battle with too. I sympathize with everything you talk about and also believe that ya have to keep gettin on getting on, too. And yes, I'm also here for you. We can do this together, k? AAs not my gig either, gotta say, even though logically I know the program works. I just didn't like it for some reason. Will be visiting your blog today, and let's power ahead man!!!!
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