- Feels like food is my enemy right now by mariposa azul
15 y
3,186 4 Messages Shown
Blog: Cleanse My Bulimic little Secret
Just want to be rid of the negative voice in my head that screams for the binge & the purge high....just want it, just want it and that's all there is to that. I feel like there is the voice of an unreasonable child inside of my head right now having a tantrum! Gotta have it...Just want it.. Crazy!!!!!
Just want my food high.
All I can do is to try to push through today.
I hope to not eat...all this food in here & so easy to just be rid of it....
I know that's my bulimic self talking & I can't stop her.
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mariposa azul
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- Re: Feels like food is my enemy right now by luvjoy
15 y
1,758 1 of 1 (100%)
Hey, sweetie!!
Oh, I'm so sorry. Guess I never thought of binge/purge as being a high, but yeah, I get it.
It sounds as if you have younger kids and those years were the hardest time for me. I can tell you that it gets easier. For instance, now, if I'm really tired, I can go take a long, hot bath with a good book and my husband and sons can get themselves ready for bed and all I need to do is kiss them goodnight and go to bed myself. But when my boys were young, as much as I love them (and my husband), someone was always needing something - and you said you are caring for your mom, too? There were many times I just didn't know how I could do it for another day. And I'd get mad at myself for being so weak, but it didn't change how I felt.
Do you feel overwhelmed? Do you need to ask someone (your husband, a friend, a relative) for some help? Is there any way for you to have some time for yourself? Have you been able to put your finger on the cause of the wanting to binge/purge. Do you have particular triggers?
I really do remember that feeling of needing some release. I tried antidepressants, but they didn't really do what I needed, as a matter of fact, the one I tried made me really irritable, so I quit.
I do know that when I eat healthy foods (for me, no sugar) and get some exercise everyday (even just walking for 30 minutes), and make sure I try to get 8 hrs. of sleep, I feel so much better - and so much more in control of myself and my cravings - but it takes some time (maybe a week of being really consistent) to get to that place.
And for the life of me, I don't know why - once I'm there - I ever let myself slip back into doing those things that make me feel so bad - eating sugar, skipping the exercise, skimping on the sleep. It feels like self-sabotage.
Thanks for checking in - I really am holding you in my thoughts and prayers. I can tell from every word you write how much you want to be free from this hold that food has over you. Stay strong!!
Remember that in every moment of your life, you were doing your best. No one gets out of bed and says, "I'm going to screw up today". We just keep doing our best, and hopefully there comes a time when we realize that we are capable of more than has been "our best" in the past. And that allows us to reach another milestone.
Keep up the good work - you've accomplished much.
Hugs and love to you.
Marie
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luvjoy
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- Wellbutrin and/or Prozac helps the binge/purge... by laysayfair
15 y
2,246 1 of 1 (100%)
| You are describing me until I tried Wellbutrin 14 years ago. That was the end of the binge-purge and the screaming voice. Maybe, it will work for you too...
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laysayfair
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- Re: Feels like food is my enemy right now by ren
15 y
1,580
| I concur with the other poster. You should consider some professional help. I would rather see you good some good meds than go over the deep end. Contrary to what some may say on curezone, there's nothing wrong with seeking a mainstream solution like psychiatric medication.
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ren
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