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Finding my way to myself...
by b2reflect

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  • Okay, I feel I am at a crossroad   by  b2reflect     15 y     2,494       5 Messages Shown       Blog: Finding my way to myself...
    and keep beating myself up about it.

    Although I made a decision that I am going to take a few days away at the end of the month. Went to AAA to get a trip ticket and information for the Boston area and New Hampshire. I am taking a road trip! The woman who helped me was talking with me and I told her I am going alone. She asked why. I said this way I can do and see whatever it is I choose, without worrying about someone wanting to be on a schedule. It is time for me to get away.

    I have been telling myself the past few days I need to change my eating habits. LOL I went shopping yesterday to buy 'girlie' clothes. Due to my career choice, in this moment (and the past 12 years), I wear jeans and t-shirts for work. I went to buy a few tops that were not just that. I also got 2 'girlie' thermals for work, rather than the men ones I have for the winter. At any rate, while shopping, more precisely trying clothes on, I almost wept. First off, one would think that the dressing room mirror would be made to enhance one's appearance (for the purchase level). I know I need to release weight, except in that mirror, I looked horrible. I have released 8 pounds over the past few months and felt good. That is, until I looked in the mirror at the store!

    I had been talking to myself about dancing. I have a DVD which is an exercise/dancing tape. Yet, today when I was going to do it, I talked myself out of it. I seem to keep inhibiting my new behaviors to better myself. I cannot figure out why I am doing this, repeatedly. I begin something and after a couple weeks, I sabatoge myself. As I mentioned in the first blog, I have come too far to not go forward, yet I seem to get stuck in this moment, to not proceed onward.

    I guess I am looking to this get away to boost myself in a forward gear. Although, I do realize the saying 'wherever you go, there you are'. I am praying that what I need, in this time, will come to me before I go on the road trip, so I can enjoy it and learn what I need to learn. It has come up to me that there is a reason I am going and I desire to be open to whatever it is...even if it is just a release. I do love the ocean and am looking forward to being near it, for a couple days.

    I am going to do what it takes to get myself moving...dancing, exercising (bought a Total Gym, 4-6 weeks ago and still haven't used it) and become aware of what I am eating. I am also going to begin a colon cleanse, as of tomorrow. I purchased Barefoot's LBB and haven't gotten into taking it for more than 3 days.

    It is time to move forward. This is the year of Me. I am going to be healthier before I turn 46 in the summer of 2008, in all ways.

    Love, Light and Peace,
    Beth

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    • Re: Okay, I feel I am at a crossroad   by  nutnberrygirl     15 y     906
      Half the battle is just realizing what you are doing and what you are up against. I am with you B2. We've turned that corner and there is no going back. Sometimes we peek under that leaf, but stay on the right side of it ok!

      Your trip sounds wonderful! Enjoy your time alone. I had someone recently tell me I need more alone time. Kind of hard for me at this point in time, but it has moved up on my priority list big time. And it's free!

      I am sure it will be beautiful this time of year in Boston. I love the ocean, but haven't been that far northeast. Take pictures for the rest of us.

      Blessings,
      Nut
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    • Re: Okay, I feel I am at a crossroad   by  Liora Leah     14 y     1,431
      Wow, dear Beth, I keep reading your blogs, from the first one to the present, and what you write could be a mirror for me! I'll be 52 this summer, and I keep telling myself it's time to really "get with it", get in shape, be healthy, eat healthy, love healthy...I keep starting and stopping exercise, good diet, dancing, and just absolutely hate looking in those damn mirrors in clothing stores and seeing the cellulite bulges and the grey in my hair and the bags under my eyes and the sagging skin everywhere!!--the mirrors and lighting just accentuate the negative! I keep thinking it's time to get a little cosmetic help, even though surgery for superficial beauty's sake is against just about everything I believe in! So hard to break free of the cult of youth we live in, in our country! and what we think women should look like, act like, be like.

      Blessings to you and your great blog!
      Liora
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      • Re: Okay, I feel I am at a crossroad   by  b2reflect     14 y     1,476
        Hey, thank you Liora!

        "So hard to break free of the cult of youth we live in, in our country! and what we think women should look like, act like, be like."

        I understand this, I was in the bathroom at work today and stopped to see me in the mirror. I said, don't even go there!...LOL You are booo-ti-fulll! I am working on it .

        Peace,
        Beth
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