Mixed feelings, lack of motivation, oversleeping, expecting more... Plus some uncontrollable rage!! Feel free to comment!

Date:   7/23/2007 2:40:31 PM ( 17 y ago)

So, today's supposed to be the border line between the harder and the easier part. I'm not quite sure how much better it can get, I haven't really been experiencing anything unbearable during these first days, only occasional hunger related thoughts and my skin's gone a bit worse yesterday. So maybe from now on I just won't be very hungry?

I slept 12 hours last night - that hasn't happened, out of sheer laziness, for probably a couple of years (or maybe here and then when I've been jobless). So I obviously feel a bit less energized, and lost, just what sleeping too much causes. My frozen juices, that I placed in the fridge late last evening, are still thawing, so I had to put them on the bench in the warm air, otherwise I won't have brekky in ages. Although it's actually lunch time now...

Didn't get to do my 40-minute walk yesterday, but didn't feel the need for it either. My hot shower was unpleasant, but I did it. And then I had to have a fight with roaches in the kitchen, three times, and the remains of the battle are still to be seen. Yuck. Suppose I have to go vacuuming some time later today.

My throat was a bit sore last night and still feels dry now, so maybe I haven't been sweating enough. That's the only reason I can think of, as I've done the flushes often enough. It's not too bad though, so maybe drinking enough water today will do. I don't expect it to get any worse. I'm not sure if that's a good thing though, somehow I feel if I don't experience any more symptoms during this fast, maybe I'm not that toxic afterall?! Maybe I'll just give up the plan of going for a whole month-long fast in April, and go straight for the colon cleanse? I lack motivation at the moment (except for the dandruff), I'm not sure if I'm "depriving" myself for any reason any more, if anything is actually happening. Suppose I feel a bit lighter, but is that it, is there supposed to be something more?! I did go for this with very high hopes, unrealistic even. Maybe it all comes clear to me by the end of this week. Maybe there'll be a lovely happy feeling inside me tomorrow, and I'll feel the energy boost they talk about, and the funny euphoric moments caused by fat burning.

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Just when posting this message, I copied the text as I wanted to enter it into a Word sheed which I'm going to print out later on. I clicked the 'publish message' button on the site, and I got to an error page stating that I had forgot to enter my abstract and keywords, click Back button. So I did. And surprise surprise, all my text was gone... All you Hotmail/Yahoo users probably know this sort of thing happening especially with the long important emails ;) (that's why I recommend another mail provider, not sure if I'm able to advertise here...). So how freakin' happy was I, grinning while I simply pasted back the text I had just copied?! Oh joy!!! This has never happened to me before, it's always been the other way round! Making copies of everything important to you DOES help...! So, I took a moment just to breath out the scare, to grin, and to dwell in the awesome feeling of winning this time. Since people, and I, usually dwell in the moments of frustration and all the other negatives, it's very important to start concentrating on the little happy things, which gets you into the habit of noticing more of them in your life, leaving less time to see things that are wrong, making you feel that life has suddenly turned much nicer, and you attract good things to you. I feel so strongly about the subject of positive thinking, that I had to write this whole long paragraph on the subject! :)
I also like to think that me letting out those bad feelings and going for a walk a few days earlier left more room for me happy thoughts :)

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Hah, didn't get too far with them happy thoughts... In the evening, when I realised that I had finally ran out of juices, I called my housemate, and he said he should be home at 2030 (if he's lucky) and if that was true we would've made it to the supermarket. But instead it took until 2130 until he was home, then he just walked into the kitchen as if nothing had happened, and took some steaks out of the fridge and put them right in front of me on the bench saying, "mmm yummy, steaks." There I was, with nothing but two cupfuls of broth in the fridge for me, just realised a whole five-kilo bag of carrots had gone bad, having nothing to eat tomorrow starting from brekky. So I snapped. I started throwing things and then went for a furious walk, meanwhile my housemate had happily gone to bed. When I returned I had calmed a little (mainly by not just thinking about the whole thing - normally I'm able to think it over and understand the other person's point of view, but this time my rage just wouldn't let go), so I went to explain why I was mad (he had yelled after me from the front door, grrrr that made me even more mad, he knew bloody well what was wrong, but he always gets defensive when something is his fault), and I also asked him to join me tomorrow as I had a big night, I'm going for a raffle in the local tavern. He couldn't have been any less interested. That left me so furious again I could barely control myself. Had to have my enema before bed and kept having problems getting the water in again, and, expectedly, I slept really bad the whole night.

 

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