not a nutter, I'm just frustrated...explicit language used!

Date:   6/14/2007 12:09:00 AM ( 17 y ago)

I hate when I eat to excess because I'm nervous, irritated,etc. No one understands. No one gets it when I drink too much coffee, eat too many snacks or take too much cake at staff parties, well what I consider to be too much. I guess if I was around healthy, vibrant people, my behaviour would seem strange or cause for concern. I have not been feeling myself these days, not depressed but a little blah-ish. I've been dog-sitting for my sister's dog and the two dogs together are driving me crazy and making me reconsider if I really want kids after all. Then today was supposed to be the day the decision is made about the house but I really don't feel inspired to get a house when this week's check is barely enough to pay bills and eat. It's all my fault. This is my mess. I made it. I have to clean it up. Except I can't even finish the dishes in the sink in the "sink" which is really a utility sink in a basement laundry room. I feel like I'm in jail. Our first anniversary came and went and well I'm taking overtime overnight AGAIN. I hate working overnight because I get very sad and depressed from not sleeping a good night's sleep and being away from my husband. I didn't even think it THROUGH whether I should work an IRON a.k.a. in the health profession as a STRETCH. I just took it because I'm desperate for money so I can live the lifestyle I had when I was in New York, buying nice, gourmet food from Whole Foods instead of the shit I get from Walmart and BiLo....back when I had a house with my own bathtub, back when I lived in a real bedroom and didn't have to put up with the sounds of my in-laws upstairs but let my dog bark too much and I get feetpounding on the floor... UUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNGH!

No I don't feel like praying any rosary or meditating right now :( but I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. I'm just a human being. I just wish I could get back into the flow of being happy and exercising. Wished I wasn't having these episodes of depression and sadness and unhappiness. Boy do I wish my husband and I had more money. We'd be happier and have more sex and then kids wouldn't be considered a financial disaster :( I feel like killing myself right now. Well not really but I don't want stress. I want to live a long, productive life. I don't want to end up sick and diseased and dying in a nursing home. I try to focus on the positive, focus on what I want. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.

Oh whatever. I'm going to sleep.

 

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