uncensored emotional venting alert

Date:   3/12/2006 9:14:30 AM ( 18 y ago)

I'm sitting here in bed. No one can convince that most all processed food is poison. Or maybe it was addressing some of my shower invitations last night that got me into this. Maybe it wasn't getting to speak to my fiance last night. Whatever it is, I'm just in a general bad mood this morning. It's raining outside and not warm. I woke up in not so good a mood. I just feel like I'm taking two steps back whenever I try to do something good for myself. I feel powerless and inertial right now. Maybe it's just a brief phase and if I get up, I'll be able to shake it off. I'm getting married in three months and am realising that it's actually going to happen. I won't be in my own house anymore with my mother and sister, no fish pond, no backyard of my own. I won't have a beach to go to (I love the beach!).

I want to look my best for my wedding and right now I feel like a fat pig on the downward curve of my period. I just hate food and hate being fat. I don't know why I can't feel good about myself ALL the time. I know that I look good in my dress but somehow I just imagine that I'll be rolled down the aisle like a big sausage. Plus I'm worried that I won't be ready to have babies and I'll be fat first of all then toxix and my baby won't be healthy. I look at some women after they've had babies and they get so fat and disgusting, not wanting to be in shape or comb their hair. They're thirty years old but they look fifty.

My mom insists on giving me the money to continue my bikram yoga classes but she and my sister are already paying for EVERYTHING. I know where I'm going to on my honeymoon at long last so why did I wake up this morning so unhappy? Is it really the food? My breath smells like ass, not all nice the way it did when I was fasting last week. At least I've not watched any television and continue to read books. I'm also writing again.

Maybe this is just a bad morning :(

 

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