random thoughts of sadness

Date:   3/10/2006 10:59:48 PM ( 18 y ago)

So here I am alone...at least my ibook is nice and clean. Wish it was black so it wouldn't show the abuse I heap upon it on a daily basis :-) Should be a compliment though. My dell laptop is an expensive paper weight since catching the macfluenza last year. Anyway, I'm alone because I managed to alienate my fiance by talking to him about my mother and sister asking about where we are going on our honeymoon. There are some things a man doesn't need to know and I should have known better that would hurt his feelings. Except I was selfish and didn't want to be alone in facing the possible criticism my mother would have over staying in a forest cabin as opposed to...say Aruba, Cayman Islands,etc. I love my mother but I don't talk to her all that much about things because I hear her critical spirit. She has a very critical spirit and I do believe that has hurt me.

Also, my fiance has a very sensitive spirit and sometimes I wish I knew better how to handle a person like that. Sometimes I don't know what to say. His problems with depression and his past has him deceived over how much I love him. He doesn't quite believe we're going to get married or that I love him. I don't think he will be convinced until we're up at the altar saying our vows. That's just how deep his self doubt runs.

Anyway, the stress of today, not just this, I broke my fast and broke it bad too. I've learned that food won't placate my issues. I also don't want to gain back the weight I lost for the past nine days so I'm going back on a ten dayts-two weeks fast tomorrow. I don't know whether to do ten days or two weeks. I just want to complete ten days of fasting and break it PROPERLY. It looks as if I'm going to fast the WHOLE MONTH like it was ORIGINALLY intended to. I'm still fasting from television except for Sunday. I'm watching the end of a tacky show called Flavor of Love. Doesn't ask why, it's like a train wreck! LOL

I've started reading the bible from the book of Genesis. Maybe that's why I'm under all this spiritual attack :( I mean after ten days of fasting and some prayer, there's bound to be some negative spiritual vibration from the entities that wish me bad. I know that if I go to sleep, I WILL feel better in the morning. Mornings are a good thing in the bible, esp. Resurrection! I really want to believe that God has a point in all this, otherwise it's all pointless hehehe. Hey did that make sense? I really need some sleep :D

 

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