a love letter to my fiance

Date:   2/26/2006 5:24:12 PM ( 18 y ago)

Well I have to say I 'celebrated' in style this weekend for Fat Tuesday, having slightly overeaten on cooked foods and not cooked foods of the best kind. Oh well, this wednesday I'm doing a thorough washout and enema for Ash Wednesday and also because I have my first gynecology appointment since being diagnosed with genital warts two years ago. I would ask that readers pray for me that I don't have anything serious like cervical dysplasia,etc. My periods are quite regular and my only 'issue' is errr...well a slight mucosal issue of a feminine nature.

I spent the weekend at my fiance's house. His father gave his old car and so now I have means of getting about on my own again, as opposed to being chained to my sister's car and being late for work most every morning. Eating healthy and being on a raw food diet is going to be challenge in that house. It's not them. It really is me and my own personal committment and dedication to my health and well being.

My fiance has an eye problem, probablyu macular degeneration, and I firmly believe it's because of stress! He is also depressed and takes medication and I'm SURE the meds coudl be affecting his eyesight. I love him VERY much and since I know he reads my blog here's my PERSONAL and yet VERY PUBLIC promise and appeal to him about self hate and love and why taking care of one's health is loving oneself. So here it is...


I know full well what self hate is. Self hate nearly drove me into the grave. I've been on this path for almost a year now as far as the dates on this blog tell me and it's just amazing how far I've come in so little time. Sometimes I've looked back and started crying and how badly I would abuse myself because I hated myself so deeply. Self hate is a poison. You say you don't know why you hate yourself but you do know. You know just like I knew why I hated myself. It's fear sweetie, fear of knowing the truth. Fear of finding out that our life wasn't Ozzie and Harriet perfection. Fear that we are partly responsible for own suffering and response to our problems. Fear of the unknown. You are NOT responsible for having a critical parent. You are NOT responsible for meanspirited uncaring people who do not see the loving person that you are.

Self hate and fear are cellular and psyhic poisons. You are already manifesting symptoms of self hate poison. You have this problem with your eyes and you may go blind if you do not address this problem. Are you going to let your self hate and depression overwhelm you and take away your happiness this way? You told me you wanted to teach history and be a writer and I do believe that you can do that. You've been bombarding your body with these messages of hate. Don't you know that your thoughts are energy? Your brain responds to this self hate and changes its' structure accordingly.

Well here's what I think. I know that I love you very much. I loved you just as you are. You didn't have to be some clean shaven,metrosexual hipster from the city who eats only raw food to get me to say YES to your proposal. I've told you a few times that I have this goal of living at leat 150 years and since we're going to be married I want us to enjoy a long life together with our children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great-great grandchildren.

It is NOT too late to begin again. You can live the LIFE YOU WANT TO LOVE and live it on YOUR TERMS not the terms of what you mother said, what your depression tells you or a slave to the vicious cycle of self hate and self torture. YOU have to want to live. You are at a fork in the road and there are two people inside you and you must NOT listen to the Pretender within. The devil is a liar. If you choose not to live for yourself, you may feel better for a little bit but oh what a bitter pill that will be. On the other hand, you can take the road of self healing and radical life change and go through the temporary pain of psychic surgery and come out a radically different man.

I do believe that two years from now YOU are going to be completely different. You are going to be debt free, depression free and disease free. You are going to healed in every way, a successful writer and teacher. Let's both committ ourself to radical enjoyment of life and health improvement. You are NOT alone. I am with you to be your friend and comrade and your loving helpmate. You know that I don't expect you to do things I would not do myself so I am making a committment to my health anew for this lenten season. You are loved and I'm NOT giving up on you no matter how much the negative voice within says to you.

I love you very much.



 

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