a note about my progress thus far

Date:   6/20/2005 1:34:11 AM ( 19 y ago)

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Eating_Disorders/type_orthorexia.asp
http://www.beyondveg.com/billings-t/orthorexia/orthorexia-1a.shtml
http://www.beyondveg.com/bratman-s/hfj/hf-junkie-1a.shtml
http://www.eufic.org/pt/food/pag/food42/food421.htm

I'm glad I decided to share this blog with someone I care about very much. I think I could be crossing over into this dangerous territory. It's bad enough I am a perfectionist. I am very hard on myself. I didn't like it when this person pointed out how unnecessarily hard I am on myself but it's true. It's funny how people hate it when someone tells them the truth about themselves. I'm punishing myself continually even when I'm trying to do something healthy. I worry. Worry way too much. I have been in denial about losing my job and now I'm acknowledging I'm depressed about it. There are a lot of things I wish I could have happened, like not being abused,etc. I wish I had blonde hair,etc. I can't change the fact that I was abused but I can see how it affects my life today. It's as if I'm trying to fix something but whatever I'm trying to fix can't ever be fixed. Maybe I'm still somehow blaming myself for my own abuse. I've put all of my faith in changing my diet and lifestyle hoping that adopting a raw food lifstyle and exercising would give me back the years I lost which is about 24 years of my life eaten away by abuse.

 

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