Processing some feelings.

Date:   4/22/2006 9:01:23 PM ( 18 y ago)

April 22, 06
6:44 PM

Lots of emotional discomfort.
Can't go to my drug of choice
that makes the miserable part
of my life palatable.

Move the fingers.
Imagine there is a way out
of the pain through writing here.

Spent the morning feeding inspirations,
and feeling good about that.
Was pulling some pieces together
for the Image Site where I will place
photos.

I realize I am more into the "story"
about me that the actual photos that
will make the clients happen.

I see where I am in a mad escape from
inner turmoil.

How deep does this stuff go?
It is also activated when I go see relatives.
It is worse when I cannot find things
as last night. Spend hours cleaning up
and felt good about that. I am way behind.
Then I felt the pressure again of too many things
needing to be done at once.

I am very tired. I must have left the TV on for comfort
late into the night, and I am feeling that.

I have enough energy to get excited about
The Great Escape. I tried that on and looked
at taking a trip to Chicago. That would definitely
be a nice drug. I can get into the newness of Spring.
It is my natural inclination to go with the outburst
of new creativity, but I do not have the close kind of energy,
the energy of contentment that helps a person through
from point A to point B. I don't want to feel what is going
on. I may know some of what is going on, but
I am looking again at my madness and escape mechanisms
that are not in place right now.

I came home from a couple hours away to a gathering.
Thought I might read a poem there but that did not work out.
IT was a large recovery gathering.

I slept through part of it and ate three cookies.
Then I xeroxed a few things, and saw that the best
thing I could do to help myself was narrowing down
and just get into the work of uploading the photos
that my clients really want--the actual photos of lovely
veggies. In the back drop, as if the Angels are holding
off the energy in abeyance, is the potentially disturbing
project of dealing with the house financing toward ownership.

I do not have the energy to slow down and handle details
right now. I know that handling details is the key to success.
I know that doing less is the key to success.

I just lit a candle.
I am enjoying a sudden burst of sunlight through a cloudy day.

There is an deep loneliness, and would rather cover it up
with work, but it is hard to be kind to me and that
seems what is being asked.

So today is the official Earthday??
Please.
Tomorrow is our big Earth Day in Balboa Park.

I spend an hour rushing through an application
for an environmental award, and now I am beating
myself up for following that initiative.

Initative.
I know how to initiate,
but closing is another kind of energy
that asks a lot of discipline and self care.

Very important how I rest now and
spend the rest of the evening.
If I do not work, I will not squell the
anxiety.

I have no laminations for tomorrow,
no Love Cures finished.

My emotions are too strong today.
I need to access some other parts of me.

#

6:57 PM.


 

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