Looking at what I need to do today. processing more feelings.

Date:   4/20/2006 11:39:14 AM ( 18 y ago)

April 20, 06
9:21 AM

My room is a mess.
I left for L.A. and the Passover
working from 3 AM the night before
without a nap. Then I got some help
packed the EG Mobile, and left for L.A.
I knew I left late. I ran into traffic.
I got to my first Seder Wed night late.
It was still a sweet experience.
Then the next morning, I drove
to Ronit's, and she drove us to the
desert for the Passover Village Retreat.
It was all in all, a very sweet entrance
to the desert. I did not feel my vehicle
was up to driving there myself.

So now I am back here at home.

I had an early morning dream where
I was with William Spear. He was pointing
out an assignment that I had turned in.
IT was coming back at me. I had down a poor job.
I left out a major section of the assignment.
My grade was a bit above an "F." Ouch!
I could not see now I did that.

So here I am.
Messy desk. Two major assignments
up in the air. I very important call to make
to collect for work done. I am way behind
I what I said I would have complete by now.

I have some checks that have to go in the bank.
My bed is full of Natural Product Expo West stuff.
I am suppressing missed softness from
the one who I call my best friend, but choosing
different learning right now for my Soul's growth,
however painful.
I can only wish her well, and forgiveness.
I know she can take care of herself.
I need to show myself I can stand on my own
and am stronger than my addictive patterns
that would want to make my life feel better
through making contact. Spring is everywhere.
It feels so very sad not to have a woman to share
this with. I have to accept and find ways to be soft
for myself. I have to feel the discomfort and lonesome feelings
and work through this. The world is offering me a lot right now
in opportunity. I need to breathe into it and doing things
differently. I want to establish some new patterns.

I wish I could take the next two days just to clean up.
I feel in a crunch. I can't do that in this moment.
I need to make a very important call.

Then, perhaps, I will have time to clean up.
If I want something new.
Yes
Yes
I have to take time to clean up.
Too much space.

Dad.
Dad.
My dad
becoming frail.
I had to direct his walk.
I had to do things for him.
IT is universal.
We age.
We start going frail.
I have to do some things for him.

Jack, Jack, my brother in law.
So mean of a streak when I was young.
No matter now. He and my sister are calling
out to me. It was good to go visit him in the hospital
while in L.A. The pain, the utter pain he is having
and no answers except pain killers.
He is struggling and does not know what to do
except keep pressing the buzzer calling
out for the nurses. He wants attention so.
Deep down, he must be scared.
In earlier years, he would never go to a therapist
for anything. That was a sign that something
was mentally wrong. Maybe he was right.
I am not sure if a therapist could have helped
something that deep and hurting inside
that brought out all this pain now.

I don't know. What is the message in all this?
What am I doing with my own pain?
Look at the garden...so neglected here.

I am not even scratching the surface of what
I need to address in my own life.

Earth Day is coming in Balboa Park on Sunday.
I have today and tomorrow, maybe some part
of Saturday to do some things here.
I feel alone. I wish I had someone to call for comfort.
I have made my own bed. Now I have to clean it up
God willing.

9:38 AM
April 20, 06

10:16 AM

Going through the EG Mobile.
Hey! Found my special Macro Knife!
Thank God, I do not have to buy a new one!

Getting ready to make some Turkey stew
with TCM Herbs in the Crock Pot.
Going to make some brown rice and get
my digestion back to normal.
About to have some fruit for breakfast
with some fresh bee pollen
and maybe a bit of plain yogurt.

Lots of blackberry flowers....watering the avo tree...
based is void of growth...needs some mulch.
Fed the earthworms the citrus rinds from
the Passover Retreat Earth Ritual.

Going to use the Chapparal I brought back
from Joshua Tree as a Spring Tonic on myself.

That feels good.

Sweet feelings for Best Friend,
such a kind hearted generous person,
such a good woman. Want to keep Taking Space
and just sent love from a distance.

Will be making important call soon
for organization follow up.
Got to give myself this time.

10:21 AM


 

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