Are you addicted to Anti-Pleasure thoughts?

Date:   2/4/2006 10:05:04 AM ( 18 y ago)

What are my core beliefs about pleasure?
How long will I allow myself to stay in the garden
of pleasure without kicking myself out?

What is the nature of the pain I create for myself?

A friend who has a life based on pleasure--
and who is riding a path of great joy and increasing
abundance--was pointing out to me
that I hold on to allowing the Primary Lovers
in my life to be Archetypes for me
of the Unavailable Love I feel I am missing.

I have a Core belief in Not Having consistent
Joy and Pleasure.

I show this by attracting to me women who
are also not grounded in their own pleasure.

They express a Push and Pull.

They can be very close and open,
and then pull away for whatever the reason...

This allows me to suffer more.

Are you addicted to not having pleasure?

There are people who actually use pleasure as
a way of creating more and more Vital Energy in their lives.

Marci Javril, an L.A. based woman
who was one of the Sex Educators
I shared a program with Thursday night
teaches in her workshop that we can:

"Chase toxic thoughts
and elements out of your path to pleasure.

Here is a poem from my book
"God is Also Rated X"

This poems was meant to be
sarcastic in some sense...
but it was brutally honest and authentic
for the way I was feeling in that moment.

This poem causes me pain to read now.
I can see I have moved on in many ways,
but there is an underlying pattern of
unwillingness to stay "in the garden"
that still prevails in my life.

Here is the poem:

I love it when you make me wrong
for touching you

I love it when you make me wrong for touching you.
It goes deep into the unresolved void where the Adam and Eve
within me are still bickering. Through you, God
beats me up all over again, and kicks me from the garden,
and now I can cover my balls, tell secrets, and hide.

I love this place you evoke in me,
After "Ive felt so content and filled,
and been so totally absorbed in your beingness
and my utter sensuality,
and felt our minds intensely blended
beyond humanness, after we've traveled
to distant stars, beyond this limited reality,
after I've felt my life confirmed through breaths you make
unimaginable as you respond to my healing touch upon your face,
that now, you'll punish me for feeling so good.
I like the sensation of it,
of being cast out, that strikes me so deep I can only relate
to it as an animal. I like being whipped for doing what comes natural,
this pressing of my naked maleness against you.

Please, don't ever accept me fully,
that would be too effortless.
I love too much the struggle,
the sterm and sparks. I prefer
moreso your expression of annoyance,
and through your subtle disapproval of me,
I'm made real and alive.

I can''t thiank you enough for the feeling.

November 1985
© 2005, lesliegoldman, your enchanted gardener

___

Follow Up!!!
practical follow up this year:
Get this on out again and out the shelf
at Judy Levy's

Send this to the man back east...
who wanted to see some of my sexually oriented materials...

What theme in The Seven Love Cures--book
goes this relate to?

"I'm Me!
I Hope you won't be too shocked to be with someone
who aspires to be totally me!
Come and Play, and be yourself!"
I wouldn't want to hurt you for anything in the world!"

--From My Goddess Prayer for You!

As long as we keep relating,
honestly,
and authentically, we have a chance
of coming back to the garden.

 

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