Childhood woundings.. Billy repeats as James, Can the Saga of repeated abandonment end now?

Date:   4/14/2005 9:20:06 AM ( 19 y ago)

When I was a kid in grammar school
at the L.A. Jewish Academy in Boyle Heights,
my best friend was named Billy.

We went to the Matinee Movies together every Saturday
with the other kids from our Jewish School.

For me, this was a guilt ridden experience
and labeled me as a Criminal for Life.

For the other kids, it was not a big deal.

My father was Orthodox;
Their families for the most part were not Orthodox.

It was no big deal to go to the Movies on a Saturday afternoon
when you were not Orthodox.

For me, it would have been scorned by my father.

He had a favorite line:
"You Dasn't do that!"

He would pull that out on special occasions,
which were too often for this little kid who
was rebellious by nature and really quite the wild child.

____

On the hill coming home from the Movies
there is my father standing on the top of the hill.
I can feel his scorn. It is the Sabbath
and I have been out watching monster movies
and shorts about Superman-type heroes
in segments one a week.
Heros, Superheroes, villans and Angels,
where am I in all this?

There he is on top of the hill,
and here I am the renegade criminal
stealing money from my mother's purse
no doubt to get in to the movies
stealing away from God to go see
Frankenstein.

The hauntings in my dreams at night!
I can still remember.

___

Billy....oh yeah Billy...
So we move over to the West Side near Fairfax High.
Many of the East LA kids are all living in the same neighborhood.
We all all going to Fairfax High School.

Billy has come over before me.
It is a Saturday and we are biking around Hollywood
collecting photos of stars from stores and studio places.
Billy is showing me around everywhere.

But something happens and then Billy is no longer talking to me.

So something happens and then Billy is no longer there to hear
about my mother-- who he knew-- when she dies.

Here I am running around the track feeling alone and sad
because I no longer have a mother. There, over there,
is Billy Star Athlete with nothing to say and a lot of fun to live.

I am ignored.
I am ignored and do not exist anymore for Billy.

In high school, a couple years later,
he is now the star of the Basketball team.
I watch him play and suppress my feelings...

((((((

Aside...before my 30th ReUnion...
the man who called me up
who looked me up on the internet
after many long years, was Mendel,
now Mike. He had been having dreams
that he had hurt me during our childhood years
and somehow that he had been responsible for the arthritis
that developed. We would roughhouse when we were kids.
He hurt me a couple times, as he hurt his little sister as well.

"Mendel...it was not you who hurt me physically...
it was that You and I and Billy were friends in grammar school\
and then later you never stood up to Billy with me!!!
You two kept being friends...
I was excluded and you did not do anything about that.
That was where I shut down.
That was how I became the nerd
to the extend I was in high school!!!!))))))

SO, Billy, never talked to me again....
never!!!!!

What a wound!!!

I told that story to Ira and Glenn at our ReUnion Brunch
last Sunday.
it was so good just to tell the story.
Billy did not come to the ReUnion.
He is a lawyer somewhere in L.A.
I know one of these days I am going to see him
and clear this if possible.

ii. In my adult years...
I had a very deep friend...
James.

We were friends more than 15 years.
We went places together.
We took trips together.
I may have even introduced James to L.A.
I remember us once coming up here
and him going with me to see my dad
and going over to Fairfax High where I showed him
the track where I was originally injured.
My dad came too!!!

I was the photographer at the water birth of his daughter Nadine.
I was friends with her Mom, Penny.

Penny had asked me to take photos of her in my backyard.
I have a whole collection of nude photos of Penny
before giving birth....incredible photos of the birth.
James is in the water birth tank with Penny during the birth.

Today Nadine is 15.

I introduced James to Sarina. my family in L.A,
the place I am writing from this week and where I am staying.
Now James and Sarina are great friends.

A couple years ago, I had a falling out with James.
I know some of the reasons. I am sure he was right
in many respects. We had a falling out. He never allowed
the space for healing and listening to mend. whatever happened.

I am sure I did not totally get what he wanted to tell me when we had
that falling out.

I do know I was short. I do know that some of the things he was saying
were painful to hear.

But we stopped too short from hearing each other, in my opinion.
I mean how do you throw away a 15-year relationship?
"Right" is the booby prize..."right" is always the booby prize
where love is concerned.

So James cut me off
and STOPPED a relating that went all the way back to his College
days.

James is one of the most incredible human beings I know.
He is one of the most decent, loving, incredible men I know.
He is the kind of guy you would want to know if you were lost on an island.
He is a former Navy Seal.
He can do anything physical.
He can build houses.

We would have magical mystical trips together.
He gardened in my backyard.
He would stay at the Enchanted Garden and be welcome
many times. He stayed there with Nadine a number of times.
He was with me the days after my second Hip Revision.
He came to care for me.


I would love to mend that relationship.
I cannot tell you the pain I feel about the loss of this relationship.

Last night, Sarina came home and on TOP of a WHOLE lot
of other STUFF I was processing this week
and one top of a Whole lot of radical healing I am doing this week,
Sarina says she has just come from James' new house.

He has just bought a house in this neighborhood!!

Great! They are working together with some design ideas
and she is so excited that he is taking her advise.

James is planning to go to the Burning Man Gathering
this September and so are Sarina and her husband.

I want to be there too, although I have not said anything to Sarina and her husband
Johnnie.

I do not think it is over between me and James.
It is Billy all over again.
I am not the same little kid.
I am wondering if the saga
of lost friends and abandonment
can end here.

___




To read the Blogs, that relate this this, here is a list.
This is where you will find the story of my 30th High School ReUnion
that begins this series about a Radical Healing surrounding my 40th ReUnion:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=120



 

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