Inner Healing

Date:   12/27/2022 2:53:13 PM ( 23 mon ago)

12:36 Dec 28th, 2022 - this year is coming to a close - another opening... I really follow the lunar new year and not that false gregorian calender - but at any rate, I'm swapping over day planners - I guess this was my 47th Christmas and soon I'll be at the End of this Year of the Tiger and upon my birthday again - it's the 3rd day of our first real Melbourne Heat Wave for this summer, sure there will be more of these to come, so I haven't done much exercise or any yoga for the last few days although on the first day of the heat I started my morning with on of Jan's Quishengong classes on Insta.  That was uplifting as always and grounding.  

I am melting off the weight and it's really looking like a skinny me now in the mirror - so after 46 days I am starting to really get there, not there yet - I still have further to go but I am turning heads again for sure, the boys are all checking out my bod and that's always a nice feeling.  We went for a swim today at our nearby friends place and that was lovely - I've been in a much more relaxed healed quiet space these last few weeks - it's a real transformation from where I was after the move and beforehand - things are getting much more quiet and easy and the fast has been deep and powerful, positive.  

I'm really loving the intermittent add on, so I stop having anything from 10:30 each night which isn't so late if you consider it doesn't get dark till 9 at least - and push that window to well past 12 noon the next day, sometimes as far as 4pm before I break the fast with a milky sweet coffee - it was so hot yesterday I had some small bit of chocolate later than than and went till after noon today so I still achieved a good 12 or 13 hours window, the heat was pretty intense and everyone here has been just not moving much in it basicall trying to keep cooler that way.  We made a bunch of kefir ice cream and kefir popsicles so today I had:  a black coffee, then later on a coffee with some 1/2 & 1/2 ethryitol and a tsp of condensed milk - then later I had an italian soda with just a couple fingers of milk, a pour of cardomon cordial and filled up the rest of the glass with soda water, I gave my friend a massage, we had a small kefir popsicle each, I drank another serve of vanilla kefir I had blended with something might have been a bit of condensed milk - I had a glass of water, a glass of water with psyllium, a few gulps of milk from the bottle, a tsp of vegan dark chocolate spread, another smaller kefir popsicle which had some dark chocolate chips in it and was more tart, and a big can of coconut water - I think that's it today, now drinking a fenugreek (my new favorite herbal tea which aids in weight loss and is just fantastic) tea and had one coconut caramel which is only 20 cals - doing the intermittant window, some days I have a bit more sort of between 8 and 10:30 because I know that's all I'm going to have but then lately I've been doing stuff and didn't get the time or it went past before I noticed so that's been a lot less these past few days - my fast is going really well and I'm happily progressing - yesterday I did eat something for the first time in awhile and had a small tin of laksa flavored tuna in springwater - it went down ok I ate it really slowly and had just felt like some cravings for meat, and been daydreaming of a burger so after a few days of that running thru my mind occasionally the small tin of tuna with 2/3rd of a cup of campbells soup was very filling and totally satisfied that - I think I've had now 3 of those tins in these 46 days so I'm quite happy to keep with the thing I always do which is if I really feel like having something follow that - most of the time I don't have that feeling and when it goes down well it all seems good - listen to your body, who knows maybe there's something in that it needs, whether its a bit of salt or little protein or carb or something - I was getting very squirty and so empty before I had that that I was going to the toilet frequently with a fair bit of gas and liquid what felt like last little bits of my intestinal tract just squirting out it felt good but I was getting really really empty and had emptied right out a few times before that when I first started adding the intermittent windows - the little can of tuna seems to have put a stop to that liquidy movement and gas which is good because it was making my bum a little sore - I might share a burger with my friend again like I did a couple weeks ago soon just to have some iron and nourishment - I used to need to do that every couple weeks when fasting like this but now I need less iron as I'm no longer menstruating - so in all this time I've only shared one small 1/2 of a burger with a friend - I have had less solid food on this fast I think than on any other before that went for this sort of duration.  It's been really easy quite effortless for the most part and enjoyable and yes, I'm going strong - I am nearly at 50 days, I will easily do 60 and I think I will go right past that and probably make this my longest fast yet.  80 days seems like a walk in the park to me right now and I don't feel near completion yet, 100 seems long but who knows, is that just a concept?  I'm breaking my own records here effortlessly and happily.  I'm really enjoying the fast.  

The thing I am needing to work on - and maybe I should make some positive affirmations for myself to help myself work with this is missing Doug.  No point in lying, when I fell ill with that strep throat, my spirit reached out strongly to his and pulled him to me, he felt it from miles away although we haven't spoken and started contacting me sending me all sorts of messages and emails the following morning and since then he has kept sending things, asking me to go away with him, apologizing for ghosting me, telling me he misses me and would really like to spend some time together - asking if I want him to contact or not and trying to get me to respond but I haven't and I won't and it's not easy.  In the past 6 years I have never managed to maintain that, and well.... it's hard but I must.  I don't honestly think any good can come of us seeing each other now - I want so much for him to wake up and be the man I would need him to be to bother having anything to do with him again but the messages he has sent have still been so off - so awful really.  It's nice to have heard from him and know he is in agony and hear him reach out, sometimes I have felt him too and his presence so strongly - but he is still going in the same demented circles, messaging me asking me to take him to the house I worked 4 years to buy for us that he knows I don't want him to ever go to unless he's going there to work on us and be genuine - but then he's asking me to spend my holidays with him at that sacred place knowing what I did and put myself through to secure it for us, while telling me he would like to 'catch up' but 'nothings changed' meaning he's not coming to fix things between us or change his position about how 'he likes my company' but isn't my boyfriend and won't be - he wants me to go spend our holidays together - there - but still in 5 years now is it 5 or 6 Christmas's hasn't once brought me out with him to his family gathering even though all his brothers are there with their girls, or to any social event he attends in his life - he'll come out to my world but I have been blocked from his almost entirely - it's just pathetic.  As if you'd be at 5 or 6 years with a person who you were in agony at the thought of not seeing and not sort that out.  I don't think he'll ever change and have come to the very sad conclusion that I have been deeply in love with a sort of sick kind of monster that looks sweet and seems gentle and soft who in reality was a kind of parasite I couldn't even conceive of until the penny finally dropped recently that he was fine with keeping me in perpetual limbo never to go anywhere just to 'enjoy my company' at his convenience when he felt like it in between long months of ghosting and dramas he created telling me I couldn't hug him after he had been intimate with me and pulled me close again and sparked all my hopes off - that I was wrong, dead wrong to have believed in him and thought he was such a good ethical deep person who would come through eventually - he won't.  I really wish and have prayed many times but its like a hopeless wall, even though his very name is Douglas Hope.  Hope in one hand, as Ross used to say, shit in the other.  My brain struggles with this - struggles to understand how anyone can do and choose what he is doing and choosing.  Is he really a psychopath with no empathy and hence my struggle to comprehend someone who truly does not care is he murders the joy and wellbeing of his closest companion simply because he has so little value for my feelings - though he can enflame them, read me like a book and know me more than anyone ever has - touch me more than anyone ever has, but to him all that is just braille to a blind man wanting to manipulate some trophy or possession he only wants to dust off and visit when in a certain mood and otherwise rejects, discards...  He has never abandoned me, but he probably would if the mood or convenience took him - maybe he wouldn't - I don't know, but he seems so utterly vile to me for leading me on, luring me on like that wasting years of my life and my last child bearing years while telling me I should have a couple kids, letting me work so hard to try and fulfill those dreams teasing me all the while and pushing and pulling and keeping me ever at arms length while guilt tripping me and demanding angrily my fidelity while at the same time refusing we are 'a thing' and ruthlessly seducing me - its so evil to probe into  someone's most significant things and dreams only to manipulate them for such petty selfish use with zero actual intention of ever fulfilling those dreams or caring about the person's happiness - knowing very well that its causing them pain, loss, great hardship, heartbreak, depression, agony and worse still, draining their short precious time into an abyss of oblivion like some ghoulish wraith promising the kingdom might be just over one more hill and valley.  God I can't believe I was lured into that.  I don't like to think I would give quarter to something so ghoulish but now that I see what he's done and will continue to do I must stay away.  I haven't stopped longing for him, loving our connection or knowing that that is real - but I loathe him for what he's doing to it - to me its the greatest gift and has ultimate value and I would do anything ethical in my power to bring that into positive aspect.  He just stood in my way arrogantly, with some insane entitlement only to continually thwart and deny me fulfillment - I still don't totally understand why he does what he does or all that drives him - but finally after such a long time and at such tremendous cost to myself, I have understood that he is doing this.  

f**king nuts.  

I struggle to comprehend warped paths and people because I could never put my self to paths like that. 

What was our business together?  Was he in my life just so I could learn one more ghoulish trick another sick person was capable of?  

I don't really feel that's right - its a very sad thing to me that - I felt he was in my life because grace and god brought us together with an incredible potentiality and that was all there and true and we both know and feel it - but he has rejected Heaven as he told me, rejected that and sat on a fence like an entitled hiding pig for years stringing me along while keeping his cards so well hidden knowing very well what he was doing and doing it mainly out of some kind of selfish stubborn resentment.  Because his mother died?  Maybe he just wanted to hurt me but I don't even think its that simple or maybe I just can't bear to see that - I really don't know - maybe he's just impotent and ill and genuinely does miss and long for me but then hits this wall all the time and runs away and just wasn't responsible - maybe he ignores the time gone by and the cost and what it's doing to us and just makes excuses and tells himself we shouldn't be so close now, things aren't like they used to be but still wants to be close in some way its all so vague and pointless, everything of value just pissed and fritted away and scattered to the winds - it is sin - it is evil to be so selfish and weak and hurt someone like that.  I remember God saying to me it wasn't my fault and that they didn't put him in my life for me to suffer, I believe that - that they had hoped and felt I was his best chance to awaken him but it was his choice not the divine wish that he turned away from such a gift as we had laid before us.  

Happiness is too confronting and frightening for some people - I guess he is crippled because he lost it before and isn't willing to have it again.  He just had no business clinging on to my apron strings then for comfort and dragging me down like he has.  He hurt me so much not just the pain of it but the things he took from me. 

:( 

Nightmare replacing Heaven's gate - I miss him all the time but its going nowhere.  I wish I didn't - God I deserve something so much better than that utter filth.  

Now I suppose I know sheer torment.  

And I know I don't want that - I want fulfillment and positive paths.  

I guess I'm still working with trying to understand it, though I've broken through the confusion that kept me stuck those years now - and while I haven't let go completely because the strong love and wish is still there, I've walked away and shut the gate of pointless communicaton.  I need to keep walking in one direction - I've never had the strength to leave someone I loved like that before, I only loved one person that way before and they had to decminate and annihilate our life together and leave me becaues I would never have left them - so this is a first for me, to have the strength to walk away - not because I wouldn't move heaven and earth for them, not because I wasn't completely devoted to the dream of union with them - but because I can't allow evil to feed on my spirit.  

Et Tu Brute.  

How many betrayers do I have to face in this life?  Betrayers, abusers and theives - they may just be an endless stream and his biggest gift to me, only teaching me thru such brutal loss how to cut them off quicker and avoid the plague.  

I couldn't live with myself were I to do that to my closest love.  Or anyone.  He seems to be pretty much fine with it though and just angry I'm gone.  

its not human its ghoulish.  

I really thought he was a human - so that is just so confusing.  It's like the Sufi tale of the man with the thornbush.  

I better get some sleep, its late now, I just have a long way to go to get this out of my system and move on - I suppose I must remember that time is the great healer and find ways to keep moving away from it.  I need to first transform my own mindstream and how I relate to this parasitic energy that draws me even in his absence to feel sad and defeated - maybe his feeling not mine - that yuck give up depresso vampire energy I wan't nothing to do with that he dragged into y life and flooded my being with like a black stream. 

Its so gross.  That stream has to be like the night sky and starlight nurturing me and fuel for me - I have to find that turning point and contemplate all this in that wholesome light.  I am not sure how - maybe its something beyond my ego.  I do know I need to go on in faith.  

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