Wisdom, Compassion & an End to Violence

Date:   8/30/2016 2:18:39 AM ( 8 y ago)

It's just past 4pm, on day 42 - I've had a rough few days. My friend returned in the very early morn day 40 & was not in his right mind, I asked him to go after some troubling behavior and energy - it was not what I'd expected, having looked forward to his visit - on the eve of day 41, after asking him to leave many times he brutally assaulted me... It was horrific... real hell realm stuff... threated to kill and even rape me, strangled me, beat me up - hit me repeatedly and kept me prisoner, taking my phone etc for almost 2 hours because he was so terrified he'd go to jail after what he'd done - finally I managed to calm him down and de-escalate the situation enough to tell him I was going to just get some ice from the freezer because I had goose egg painful bumps on my head from him bashing me on the floor -- he freaked out when I was in the pantry and came running at the door - he was in a total psychosis (he thought I had the phone which was in his pocket?? that he'd already taken off me) and I managed to shut the door brace myself against it and take more control of the situation finally - I told him now I wasn't coming back in there, there was going to be no more hitting and threatening and that if he tried to push the door in I was going to scream so loud all the neighbors would hear and the cops would be on their way - he backed off then and started crying and begging not to scream etc... I got him to go outside in the backyard where I knew I'd be on much safer ground with neighbors and dogs all in earshot and when he was far enough from the house to give me room to get out there too - I went out, made him give me my phone again saying I'd start screaming if he didn't and called his friend - I made him tell his friend what he'd done and his friend woke him back up to reality a bit and finally he got in his car and left and it was over. Wow. It was insane, I'm still really sore and bruised all over with a swollen neck and bumps on my skull and ow. That's the end of him being on this property - f***ing hell. I didn't call the police, because well - he's just mentally unwell & I don't see how 5 years in jail which he'd get here is going to help anyone. I hope I don't have to and am trying not to go that way - I've taken photos in case it does come to that. Basically for the last couple days I've talked to a couple of his good friends, my friends and let people know what happened - he was my bf almost a year ago and we've been trying to just be friends and still sharing house over that past year which was mostly really good but he wasn't coping with the break-up and now this has happened - he went into some crazy state of insanity and psychotic rage and that was the final curtain to us having any ability to share space or even be in the same town really at this point. I'm working with his friends to get him to shift out of the area because its no good him being here and obsessing over me and turning up etc - he understands that I don't want to call the police but will if he turns up here so - we've talked on the phone a couple times since, and he did show up here the day after with flowers and some pie for me but I told him he shouldn't be there and couldn't come here anymore - its just tragic. 99% of the time he's a brilliant, talented, loyal, warm hearted little anxiety case - incredible musician and has been my closest friend over the past 4 years - he did this with his last girlfriend, though I'm not sure it got to this point of dangerous or violent potentiality - he has what they call 'brief reactive psychosis' which means in general he's not psychotic, but can go into a psychosis on rare occasions when he gets into some kind of mental state and panic - its awful, I don't know what the road ahead is for him, but I've just got to stay very distanced now and get him and I right out of the red zone of all this - obviously I'm his trigger atm and the person he's fixated on sigh, and that is not safe for either of our wellbeing. Sucks, so I've lost my closest companion being any proper part of my life - he talked to me for about 5 minutes at a big distance, I made him stay across the yard and gave him 5 minutes and he left - he was crying and sorry and telling me he wished it never happened and was worried about me and wanted to see if I was ok - so he did that, and he left and now he understands he can't come here at all - because we've lived together and been sharing rent and helping one another with stuff in life there's some unfinished business, he's agreed to give me 90 days notice and pay the rent for a bit so I can figure out if I'm going to need to move or if I want to try and stay on here and cover it all myself etc - and he's offered to help with things we still had to do and to do this when I'm not present - he's going to get counselling... Well, wish him well, he's got a very long hard road in front of him and I hate to see people I love making these kinds of actions and causing so much harm for themselves and others... I am so through with violence - I want nothing to do with it. I'm not angry, I'm not vengeful - its all rubbish. I'm a loving being and I wish peace in all directions - there's too much suffering... I'm just putting this behind me and dedicating it - if any good can come of this whatsoever may it be that it is the last violence in either of our lives - seal, seal, seal. That karma is finished now. Its past tense.
So how's that for a day 40! There you go, don't say nothing exciting ever happens in my life. :(
!!@@#######
So I got a bunch of stuff done today, I've been on the phone a lot to my friends and his - went out and spent a few hours with my closest pal out this way who knows him and knew he could get crazy - we're all shocked by how bad what he's done is but no one is shocked completely, its just sad because things were going really well it seemed and it really could have gone a very different way also - anyway, that's the path - we're being forcefully pulled apart by spirit at this time and as sad and heartbreaking as that is its a relief in other ways and freeing me from a whole range of bullshit behavior he regularly dumped in my life. So - how it is - I just took a bath and thought I'd update here - I'm down to 160lbs after these few days of not making any juices or drinking much or really eathing anything except for a handful of beef pie filling (the chickens got the pastry) Have had 2 cups of tea, a hot choc and a little water today for ex.. I'm going to hydrate more and tomorrow or the next day I might just head to town and get a few things - haven't been to town for a couple weeks, or I might head out of here to the city to do some cleaning in the houses I look after and spend some time with community there. I'll just take it day by day - I could go sooner or later - just see when the mood takes me really. I'm ok now, just bruised and sore and a bit emotionally wounded more than anything. The fast is still going well, my digestion is much improved after the couple days of apple sauce with slippery elm and psyllium husk - I've got a little left and am going to have another cup of that this evening - it did me a world of good - I want to start on some lights soups - like a light beef and tomato soup to get some iron back in and keep up with a little juice, plenty of fluids in general and some soft fruit - I find dairy, milk, yogurt, cheese in that order and eggs, meat & soft fruit is the stuff to start with - veggies come later, starting with easier ones like potato, sweet potato, and working up to ones with hard to break down cellulose walls - forget about beans nuts etc lol... not or awhile! I've been reading up on Aruveda and what spices to use to bring up digestive fire - so I think I've got my order and plan worked out there - and will just use these kinds of rules and my feeling as I slowly re-integrate solids back into my diet, keeping up the daily probiotic and multivitamin and just taking it all slowly slowly, not overdoing it and not packing up my whole system and overtaxing it when its had such a big break and has become so purified. I've got a very white tongue again today - because the few days of stress became a much deeper fast unintentionally just through me not being in a nurturing and organized environment where I was making the things I would normally and just drinking a few cups of tea and water basically and a little milk. Well - that's one hell of an entry - and a massive houseclean and life path purification I didn't see coming - I am blessed its unfolded in the way it has - I was struggling with the idea of living out here so remote alone and the 11 days here on my own showed me just how wonderful that could be and how much I do enjoy it - experiencing that peace deeply I have found myself turning a new leaf and feeling a new confidence and peace with the idea of staying on here without my friend - I needed to get to that place and while none of this was planed or pre-meditated somehow it has worked out that in light of this terrible event I have found myself there, in a place able to accept and transit - there's a lot of changes in me of late, some real growth and transformation - I am someone with a horrible childhood story and as a result of that I have struggled most of my adult life with 'needing' guys and getting really attached... independant in other ways, career, responsible, resourceful etc but emotionally needed that care and I've done so much work on myself and been thorough so much loss and betrayal and upheaval I'm developing a new level of self-reliance and maturity stronger than I've ever had in the past - its taken years but its really been culminating in a big way of late - for the first time in my life, I'm not just ok alone but happy in solitude - I don't feel lonely, and I'm not in any rush to get into the next relationship - I'm so disillusioned with problem people, I'm going to take my sweet time and be very careful who I let into my life and how much I let them in - I'm all for love and the bliss of companionship but I need more from it than I've been used to - I'm leaving this karma of crisis, violence, destrution and betrayal and its time for my journey - for the universe to show me some of the other things life has to offer. Reflect my inner peace back to me in my outer manifestation. I feel a long cycle of patterns has exhausted itself now and my practice on the spiritual path has shown me so much about how we humans suffer, what's going on with the human race, what we need to heal in ourselves and while the world is in a very bad way and chaos and destruction is everywhere, I've gained so much wisdom and shed so much of that darkness. It might be around me, but I'm walking in the light, nothings ever going to change that. There might be less company up here, but the company's so much better and that's all I really have time for anymore. I can't change the world but it can't change me either ;) Bodicitta is indestructible like the mother/father drops that create us. Like our own essence. That's what I'm here to reflect and that is my path. I'm clear about that and the trash has been taken out. So much of the spiritual path is cleaning. Cleaning and purification - making merit and accumulating wisdom. I'm richer than I ever was - sure I'd like to see that infinite wealth reflected in the face of a beautiful lover. How precious human life is, how precious inspiration and the great gifts we can bestow. May the power of magnetism draw it towards me when its possible and the time is right. Until then, I've got plenty to do with myself - and plenty of inspiration anyway.
Ah.
It's time for me to finish my puppets and work to heal my own subconscious mind from these crushing patterns of trauma. Its so destructive when people let their children see or come to harm - I don't have any of my own, but I could never do that. It conditions their minds and they spend their lives re-living the nightmares of their childhood conditioning. People need to understand how long it effects them, and so many adults suffering from these effects need to wake up to this and to heal. To find ways to access that level of mind where these patterns reside and to transform this tragic condition. No one deserves it! Many practices, coming to understand arcane work, the work of the shaman, to heal the unseen, to transform the hidden iceberg that manifests our subconscious vision and belief system. The mind is very powerful! We need to make friends with it. We need to learn its secret language of experience and how to re-condition it. I wish everyone could be free of this suffering.
Well, enough for today
On & on, I continue.
Om Swastiastu x 1000
May beings everywhere benefit from countless practices of wisdom and the view of compassion.



 

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