Drops!

Date:   8/17/2016 8:09:39 AM ( 8 y ago)

The end of the 29th day into this journey, I didn't have any food yesterday - just liquid, maybe the exception of half a teaspoon of peanut butter and date syrup but really - had tea, a massive bushwalk with a half litre of watermelon/red cabbage juice - in the evening, I had a small cup of broth and cooked up my first beef bone broth which I haven't drank any of yet, its chilling in the fridge for someday soon - it was a bit of a job making that! Looks lovely tho :)

I also made a sour cherry smoothie, composed of about 2 cups of sour cherry juice, some milk, some soy milk half a banana and half a vanilla pod's scrapings - it was very nice, drank a small glass and later had another with raw cocoa

Today I didn't get any walking or exercise in, my stomach has been feeling strangely crampy yesterday on the walk and today again and I finally just saw some light brownish spotting - so ah, that explains it. I ate a small meal again today - having a little brown rice, stir fried up with grated ginger, black pepper to boost digestion, a little chopped tender celery and kale and one scrambled egg - I ate about half of the little dish I made with one small lamb chop and gave the other half to my friend. Also had a few of his 'falafel chips' some kind of corn chip thing, half a piece of chocolate, a few spoonfuls of mint choc chip ice cream and a couple dutch liqorice candies -- I also drank the other half litre of watermelon/red cabbage juice, had a cup of tea and a cup of weak coffee and now am drinking water

Today was stressful due to family that has caused a lot of problems in the past, withholding the summary of an inheritance my siblings and I are the main beneficiaries of - this side of my family has a horrific history of being awful to me and more nastiness ensued - it is always traumatic dealing with anything to do with them - well I hope this all works out well, there are a lot of secrets and questions I'll probably never get the answer to, they are trying to distribute the inheritance without giving us the summary of the estate and the breakdown (which is our legal right) - now it looks like we have to write more letters, maybe engage another lawyer... its stressful... anyway, did a lot of research and spent a lot of time on the phone today as a result - my fast went ok, but I probably didn't take in so much liquid which is why I'm on the spring water this evening. The little food I've had some of the days past seems to move through me - sometimes soft, sometimes a little hard - so lots of good clean water seems a good thing - I was a little dehydrated yesterday and today, I can always tell when mu lips start chapping.

Anyway - all good I guess - it's hard being treated like that by people - especially ones with such bad history, the good part is I found all the info I needed to and our rights are clear as day - I don't have much faith in writing in to that effect myself and not getting fobbed off, some people seem to need to see a lawyers letter to wake up - sad, somewhat pricey, but true.
Sigh.

People -

The meal was very nice tonight and I felt like I really wanted it/benefited from it - it was grounding and lo and behold, a few serves of red meat has seemed to trigger my long lost period - I thought that was what my body needed. I've got three little lamb chops left - I might eat one each day or skip some days and put a couple in the freezer - besides that, I've got lots of lovely things to juice - my friend leaves tomorrow for almost 2 weeks away, so I'll be alone and possibly largely undisturbed for that time in my forest retreat house - a great time to really go on a proper little retreat - go inward, turn off devices and phones and spend my days in nature, in my creativity and in my spiritual practice.

So tonight we set up recording equipment around my piano - sounds amazing, so I can work on recording while alone here in the quiet time - I'll have my darling cat with me for cuddles, a couple chickens to visit - and all the trees and creatures in the forest when I walk out there most days.

I'm feeling a little mixture of things tonight, there's been too much rattly stress in my life of late, depression, feeling lost - I want to go inward and work with this mess inside - these feelings that seem so unresolvable ever since I lost my muse.... I was deeply in love, still am I guess... with my best friend if I can still call him that for so many years.. maybe he's my soulmate... he was deeply troubled and about 5 years ago he put the axe in our love... since then nothing's made a whole lot of sense... maybe that sounds silly, its where I get stuck tho... the best thing I've found to date is just really focusing on love without condition, loving that person regardless of what they do or choose and generating that in myself, clearing away any resentment and self grasping by focusing on the love itself, the thing I know isn't wrong. That alone brings me back to myself - back to the dream - not the dream of life working out the way I want it to, but the dreamtime of keeping within myself a pure view of life itself. So many are lost and faltering - this day and age is full of separation and suffering - divorce, abandonment, materialism and a societal focus on the wrong goals. You can only be true to yourself -- its not up to us to choose for other people. Anyway, I want to go within and spend some time with this abyss of mine. That same unfathomable void that turned one way leads to despair and turned the other leads to the beautiful fairy tale. Sigh... 'Great hopes lead to great disappointment' my dear friend loves to quip.. but without hope, without a dream, life is not even so good as a sexy black and white photo.

"When you dream.... do you dream in color" Lol

Enough of my addled rambling....

 

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