Shock and disbelief.
Just woke up from a nightmare.

I was at a weekend retreat of some kind.
I was feeling some distancing and lack of connection
from the group. I could not believe this.
I have a question mark in the dream,
I may have been at the Whole Being Weekend,
a place where I normally know my ground
and can express my magic and leadership.
Finally, a couple days passes and things did not
get too much better. I was about to connect
with one person. I was able to do my seed dream work.

Then, as I went to get my breakfast,
and I was about to go find them,
I has just regained my balance,
I got my food, but they went to another table.

I went over to the table but I could not find them
or connect with them. I was just beginning
to know who I was again.

Then, I thought well I will have this day to connect
with the group.

Suddenly, I realized that everyone was had left
the area of breakfast and that the weekend was over.
I was in shock. You mean this is over?

I attempted to regroup and find my vehicle.
I can always could on my vehicle to get me home.
I have a good mechanic.

I could not find the vehicle that had gotten me to the weekend!
Futher, I could see through fences, at a distance,
not one, but perhaps two EG Mobiles, my
vehicles.

I forgot I had more than one.
I forgot that I had left one in the care of an old mechanic.
I did not even remember I had this vehicle.

I could not find any of my vehicles to get home.
I did not remember where I parked the some kind
of strange vehicle that had gotten me to the weekend,
and at a distance, I could see my regular vehicles,
but I a sensed they were in disrepair.
I could not ever get to them!

I did not know where I was.
I did not know how to get home.

I woke up at the point in a panic.

WHAT FES REMEDY TO TAKE?

I am looking for my FIve Flower Remedy for Shock.
I better go into the dining room where I
have left trustingly bottles of Flourish line formulas
of FES, including YES, for environmental sensitivity.

I go to find the Five Flower Formula for Shock.

I suddenly realize, many of the bottles on the display
i have left in public are empty. Who has been using
them? No communication.

Someone has been using them.

I grabbed up the ones that still were filled and
brought them into my room.
I did find one of Five Flower Formula for shock.
It is helping a bit.

WHY THIS DREAM?

We had a meeting last night.
It was after some breakdowns in communication
quite a sweet breakthrough in conversation and
communication. There was a some bullseye
communication that gave me a sense that
one of the members of the household was getting
the Vision and Mission of the house as I know it.
They were saying some things that felt supportive of me.

But the elephant in the closet was how to take
action with one impossible situation here with
one housemate who is completely out of touch
with the group and wants to do his own thing
on the property. I do not have any written agreement
with him regarding his rent. This communication
is turning into a negative cash flow and is
the tip of the iceberg on my decision that the
house is no longer manageable or even rentable.

Am I selling or am I refinancing this house?

I have a first visit with a realtor today at noon.
He was see the house for the first time.

I left the meeting feeling massages.
I was liking some of what I was hearing,
but it was not giving me the grounded answers
or feelings of support that I needed.

There was some forthcoming about an outside
mediator who would help for a few hours,
but no clarity him coming here or I having to go
up to someplace to meet with him.

I was letting H be in charge once again.
Whenever I do this, I come into her web
that has no ground with the reality of budget
or staying personally balanced.

I further lose my inner authority.

I do not have the energy now to do this manager job.
It is taking time away from my paying job
that gives me sustenance, hope, and a sense
of future and healthy connection with the community
of support that I need, my natural products community.

Yesterday, came the first notice about the upcoming
Organic Center Banquet.

I need to secure my funding for the year.
I need to pay attention to my job.

The house is sucking me further down into a place
where I have no ground of communication
that has a foundation with income and expenses.

I did learn a few things from the openness of the
communication at the meeting.

We have a bigger rat problem that I realized!

When we cleared up the one big area of mess in
the backyard, this was where the rats lived.
Then they came into the house!
They are not only coming in under the door from
the kitchen as J.M. suspected but they are coming
in from all sorts of places. They are on the roof.
They are under the floors. I did not know this.
The house is not infested with rats.
I did not know the problem was this big.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ARE GOING TO LET GO OF YOUR DREAM HERE?

I heard some conversation about
how beautiful the dream here.
I was hearing about the vision that I know here,
and H was reading my mind about why I love this place
and the hope I have had for this place.
I was being massaged into feeling soothed
that I should not make a decision to sell,
but rather a decision to refinance.

We are in a swirl here of more and more unrentable rooms.
It would take a massive effort to find occupants.
I cannot count on the temporary occupants to
stay longer. They have to take care of themselves.

We realized as a group that we deeply needed
communication skills here. That is why we fell
into the breakdown that we are in now.

One extreme case of breakdown is on the property
living here without any agreement.
This is a unworkable and terrifying experience for me.
I cannot be in his presence without feeling unnerved.
There was talk about bringing in outside mediation
to address this. There is an outside mediator, but
that would only be for a few hours.

AFTER THE MASSAGE

After the massaging of my feelings,
I was feeling good and soothed,
but then, I came back to the table after the meeting.
H was in conversation with the one temp housemate
who is leaving and offered by the mediator without
who will help gratis.

H said, I should do the mediation with the one
who is the extreme case now, out of the house.
Then, the temp sweetheart who volunteered the mediator
said do it in LA at the home of mutual friends.

Oh my God! Travel 100 miles from home,
when my home is totally insecure right now???

The conversation in the meeting was about
making a home here. There is no home here H said.
We come from broken homes.

Oh My God, we have no home.
I feel no home here.
I am losing my home here,
and I am being advised to go 100 miles from
home to attempt to resolve one of the most potentially
violent and abusing breakdowns in the history of the house???

Please. I was feeling totally unnerved.
What makes it worse, is that I have no support here
for really selling, and very little support, other than
lip service for what it would take to clean up this dream
and ground it.

Yes, Yes, we have a serious problem now with
communication. There is a profound communication
problem, but we do not have the time for a remedy here,
or do we?????

I feel that S, my co-owner needs to come in for this discussion.

J.M. heres this and says, this is atomic.
He has lived with here and remembers her as a rager.
He says he will not participate without outside mediator for that
meeting. How many hours of mediation can we have?
About 100 are needed.

I went into the meeting feeling we had reached a checkmate
in the game of the house.

I am really stuck with what it will take to extricate myself from
here. I can hardly conceive it.

Sanda said, the difficulty with cleaning up here
is no reason to not sell. It will be extremely difficult
to clear out of here.

I have to get some funding to secure my new place now.
I have to move in there so I have a safe place to be.
This place is just not safe for me in too many ways now.

I have to leave this place.
I have to leave this place.


7:51 am
January 14, 2011

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