Financial market humor

Date:   9/24/2009 2:03:43 AM ( 15 y ago)

New Stock Market Terms

CEO: Chief Embezzlement Officer


CFO: Corporate Fraud Officer


BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius


BEAR MARKET: a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER: What my financial planner has made me.


STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor suc*** for $240 per share.


WINDOWS: What you jump out of when you're the suc*** who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.



PROFIT: an archaic word no longer in use.


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines
one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG
one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers
one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer
one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan
is to drink heavily & recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg.


 

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