in process...working on this now. I am doing a save to not lose my work....

Date:   11/16/2007 11:37:01 AM ( 17 y ago)

8:13 AM
November 16, 07

Woke up feeling lonely
after a week of deep appreciation
that I made it through the Pacific Symposium.

My confidence levels were shot for about four months.
I was having nightmares about pulling this event off.
I did not want to get caught with my pants down,
so to speak, as if I had taken on more than I could handle.

For a number of weeks before the conference
my body started to hurt.

I was having shooting sciatica (sp?) types of pains
into my ankles and feet. This was scary.
I forgot that this was an ongoing condition
I had sometime last year. I must have had about
20 acupuncture treatments for this. It did not make
any difference. Then, it just went away.

Now it was back.

On top of this, for the last three months or more
I have been waking up with very stiff joints in my left hand.
I have active arthritis type pains in my shoulders, and fusion
in my neck and back. I have hip revisions; but my feet,
hands, and knees are normal. I would say my hands are beyond
normal. When I do healing work, massage type work,
people are stunned to feel such strength as well as sensitivity
from my hands.

The recent left hand stress and wrist stress coming in in both hands
--maybe from this new Imac keyboard--was shocking.
It was making me reassess. What kind of lifestyle change
was being asked of me? Could I continue sitting at this
Mac all day and night to my heart's content?

The majority of my projects are computer based,
photography, communications with the outside world,
blogging, graphics. The majority of what I do in some
way is dedicated to advance the Enchanted Garden
or some Enchanted Garden Project.

The last five weeks have been about advancing
at least four or five of these projects,
as well as putting a whole lot of energy
into developing a relationship with
Rhimax Organic Durable Paper for my printing needs,
developing a relationship with a City Farmer Nursery--
a new local outlet for my work & sponsor, and then
working into relationships with local farmers
and advancing the cause of local organic farming in San Diego.

I wrote one Farm Report that is a very important
statement online:

The major stressors during the last two months
have been a massive computer crash, buying
a new Imac, and then attempting to learn a bunch
of new programs while prepping for Pacific Symposium.

This has been a horrific experience.

I got to see--and come face to face with
one of my core issues--an obsessive compulsive
off the chart panic--around learning--
a kind of learning disability--that overtakes me
when I cannot do things. I start to feel inadequate.
I start to feel I am being stymied. I cannot let go
until I get through the challenge.

This has been coming up a lot around the computer.

I was feeling betrayed. My foundation is electronic.
I do my finances on the computer. My addresses are
on the computer. My calendar is on the computer.
My photos are on the computer.

[ Oh....I want to see if I can take out more of the recycling...
etc... before the trucks all come...we have a backlog of stuff
in the driveway...back later. ]







 

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