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Message URL: http://www.curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=983103
Day 5
(TODAY I will not drink alcohol!)
An answered prayer? I think so!
Date: 8/5/2006 1:23:25 AM ( 18 y ago)
It is Friday and normally this is the day I get a little more wasted than during the week. During the week I drink as much as most people that drink on weekends though. I would normally start out at T.G.I.Fridays and have 5-9 16 ounce beers. Usually whatever the special of the month is which always seems to be Bud Light. Sometimes I would have a double shot of Wild Turkey when I am leaving. From there I would go to Kroger and get at least a 6 pack. Most of the time its a 12 pack. I would come home and get on the computer and see if I got any sales and if not, usually play an online game (Call of Duty United Offensive). This has been a pattern I have been living for about 5 years now. I call this my light drinking stage because before these 5 years I was a bartender for a year and was drinking hard liquor every day. I can't say I didn't have lots of fun, it was a blast. I constantly reminded myself that I would quit soon and life would go back to normal.
Well, 5 days sober now is feeling good. My head is probably about 15% clearer than it was 5 days ago and I know it will just get better from here. I gotta say that I don't know how long this will work, or if it will work at all. I am just trying something different this time. I am trying a lot of stuff. I am thinking positive thoughts and not dwelling on negative thoughts that I think I will get from AA. AA isn't what I need right now. I even told my girlfriend to not even talk about alcohol in front of me. She chuckled and said "I would like a big margarita right now" then laughed. I didn't laugh back. This is serious and I have a better chance at stopping now then later since this disease is progressive.
I was on my way to work today and I saw these people in their back yard sitting at a table. My eyes rolled straight to a big glass on the table that looked like a huge glass of lemonaid. My eyes and brain immediately told me alcohol. This is what I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I know it will get easier, but it was instinct to do that. I thought about it right after that happened and just shook my head. People around me that I love will never know what this is like no matter what I tell them or how I explain that it is. I have wanted my girlfriend to go to Alconon (or whatever the meeting is for non alcoholics that explains alcoholics behavior) to see what I am going through. It hasn't happened yet, but I know that she needs to experience it. I want to go with her one day.
That is about it. I sat on the couch with my girlfriend (we should be married because we have a 5 year old daughter), my daughter, and our dog and I said, "this is family." My girlfriend and daughter agreed after they both said they were glad I wasn't drunk as I normally am. Life can be great for me. I have potential and there is no reason to throw it out the door. I made 300.00 on online sales today and I don't even try to make money. I normaly don't make that much, but that shows me the potential I am capable of. I know this time I have a ticket to freedom without alcohol if I play my cards right. I think this is the most serious I have ever been about it. It took me getting sick and after 5 days I can say this....
I think God answered my prayer! I prayed for years for him to help me quit alcohol. I really think this is his answer. I feel he made me take my choice now and not let me live most of my life with alcohol. It is I either stop drinking now or I die. I don't want to die. I have to be here for my daughter. She needs me. To die would be like me killing her myself. I was lucky to have both parents until I was age 15. My father died from his first heart attack and left me and my mother with lots of unpaid bills. My mother reacted by getting married within a year. That really killed a part of me back then, but it made so much sense as I got older. She is now divorced but having a lot of fun. I'll save her story for another time. Anyway, I just believe that every child deserves to live in a 2 parent home. If there is something wrong, then try to fix it through God if that is the last thing you have to do. It won't always work, but that is what I do. So far God has been good to me:)
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URL: http://www.curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=983103