I'm going to cut & paste portions of your previous posts and respond to them as best I can. I apologize for it taking me so long to respond, things didn't go the way I planned lol, so what else is new?
Let me say right up front that what I'm going to say is from a moms perspective and its what I would do as a mom if I was in your place. Just a little background on me, I went through a divorce when I was pregnant with my son so I raised him by myself until I remarried when he was in the fifth grade so I know of what I'm gonna speak lol! I've also got a few years on you so I've got some milage in this thing we call life. I've seen people with horrible pasts turn things around and I know you can do it too. Sometimes it helps to hear the opinion of someone else because we all do things differently.
As mothers we all want our children to have all the opportunities we've had and even more than what we had when we were children. I'm sorry that you had such a hard time growing up with your mother but I'm sure you want better for your daughters than you had but in order to give that to them you've had to overcome everything that happened to you when you were a child and that's been a hard road to travel I know.
I have a job and a life and the title of mom and wife that I have to live up to and do the things it takes to be that around here...and they cannot deal with me being incapacitated and out of order .(yes I know it could be worse)....but they dont understand ..
I would say to you after reading that paragraph that if you don't deal with the health issues now, then sooner or later you ARE going to be incapacitated and then what's going to happen to your family? I'm not trying to scare you Anne but if you continue like you are then you run the risk of developing cancer and that will be much harder to come back from, not impossible but harder nonetheless. And in your own words you'd be "out of order" for sure and for certain. What about your family then? I know, you'd feel even worse for putting them through your illness when you could have healed yourself before it got so bad, I know that's how you'd feel. You've gotta get some balls Anne and stand up to them and stop thinking you've got to be their everything because if you don't there is a good possibility you won't be there for them to depend on at all.
I live my life for them more so than me ..I try to make them happy more so than me cause I am and always will be a people pleaser..... is that my downfall? yep sure is
Yep, being a people pleaser just might be your worst problem right about now. You gotta start loving yourself as much as you love your family Anne! To me, loving them would be the reason I'd want to do what I knew it would take to get well so I'd know I would be there for them.
I was in pre-med at 18 yrs old to become a doctor so that I could help others! not knowing what I know now.glad I didnt finish though.
Yeah, I'm glad you didn't finish too but wow, that tells me that you've got it going on girl! Anybody who has the fortitude to choose a path like that can do anything!
I also am a pushover/gullable... I have let people manipulate me all my life and cannot seem to get a backbone to stand up for myself either except when it come to my hubby and kids and thats where I draw the line and I so know thats it not right .or untill I get pushed to the limit then watch out....
Okay, so here's where the rubber meets the pavement. You've got to decide that you're going to do this Anne. Nobody can decide that for you. You let people manipulate you except for your husband and your kids? It seems like to me that you're letting your family manipulate you into taking care of them instead of healing yourself. (??) You've got to decide once and for all to take responsibility for your life and put your foot down with everyone you love and just tell them that you're going to do whatever it takes to get well and they'll have to fend for themselves until you're done with it. Nobody is going to do it for you Anne.
people like me hide behind masks every day ..trying to be someone that they always knew they were meant to be or are trying to be but because of their raising and influences they cannot overcome and that in itself can cause major issues and problems and obstacles..when you are not given the tools to deal with life issues and you have to figger them out on your own and are not prepared to do so it makes for a hard troubled life..
I don't know if you've ever heard of the phrase "generational curse" but that's what you just described. When you don't know any better than how you were raised you're most times destined to repeat that in raising your own children and it becomes a cycle for generations. But Anne, you can break that. Wanna know why I think that? You said you've been hiding behind a mask trying to be "someone you always knew you were meant to be." If you truly knew deep down in your very soul that you couldn't overcome your raising, then you wouldn't even have had to hide behind a mask. See what I'm saying? You just need to believe in yourself Anne, stand up for yourself and start setting an example for your children to follow so that they won't be living in that curse. I know you can do it and I'll do anything I can to help you along the way.
I went to court this morning and seen my daughter there all giddy thinking she was gonna get out today..well it didnt happen..she is in there till thursday ..it broke my heart to see her in cuffs and shackles and that black and white striped suit .. she has brought shame onto me and the family . I am worried about her being mental right now too.
she has been depressed in the past and with all her behavior she really needs help..
I am an emotional wreck right now ..I am so worried about her choosing the wrong path ..found out today that she has been smoking pot and drinking ...and goin from one guy to the next and she absolutely will not listen to anything I or anyone else says... she is breaking my heart and I just cant stand anymore stress! period! I never raised my daughter that way and cant understand why she is doing all this ..
her boyfriend and his dad are calling me constantly which I am friends with his dad but I absolutely cannot stand anymore drama !
Of course it broke your heart, it would break mine too! We don't want to see our kids go down the wrong path, ever.
Okay, please don't think that what I'm about to say is directed at you or putting you down in any way. I'm just going to tell you what I would do if it was me this was happening to. Just know that I speak from how I was raised and I guess that plays a role in how I would handle a situation like this if my son had gotten himself into trouble. This will give you a different perspective okay?
If my son got arrested I would leave him in that jail and let him figure out what to do about it. I told him when he first got his drivers license that if he ever got arrested he better not call me because I wasn't going to lift a finger to help him. I taught my son right from wrong and when he turned 18 he was responsible for himself. He still lived at home with us but he knew he had to get a job and work and pay his own bills and pay for his insurance, gas and anything else he wanted. We bought him his first car but that's it. The choices he makes now are his choices and not mine or my husbands. He is responsible for himself.
So here's where that generational curse comes in. Your daughter knows you and your husband drink so she's learned that from you huh? The thing is Anne that you've got to show your kids the way to live their life. They see that both you and your husband drink and party and whatever so basically they've been raised seeing that kind of thing. See what I mean? You can't very well tell her she can't do it when she is of age to drink when she sees you and your husband doing it all the time. I'm not saying that she's never going to drink, even if she never saw you drink lol, that isn't reality. I drank before I was of legal age and I'm sure my son did too. I think all kids try things, especially in this day and age we're living in now. But the difference is you don't want to show them that its okay to live like that all the time.
Now I know you aren't gonna want to hear this but if I were you as soon as she gets out of jail I'd sit her down and lay down the rules for her and the first time she broke a rule I'd kick her ass out of the house! After she's been in jail for awhile she might not have a bad attitude right when she gets home cause she'll be so happy to be outta there, I'm hoping she'll hear what you've got to say and you've got to make her believe it. You need to be firm with her and just tell her that things are gonna change and you mean business! When we talk and talk and talk to our kids and it doesn't make any difference what we say, if they still continue with that behavior then it is our responsibility to lay down the law. If you enable her by making it okay that she doesn't listen to you then you aren't being a responsible parent. I'm not trying to be mean Anne, I'm really not. You said you didn't have a mama to tell you these kind of things so I'm gonna be a mama for a minute okay? I'm not saying that you should not love her, just the opposite actually. You love her so much that you want to make her take responsibility for herself so that she can be a well rounded contributing member of society and not spend her life in and out of trouble. Its called tough love. If she hasn't listened to you so far Anne then chances are she's not going to listen. And to keep doing the same thing over and over when its not working is called insanity and I know you aren't insane lol! You've got to do something different Anne and make sure she knows your going to stick to whatever it is you decide. Its not for you Anne its for the benefit of your daughter. You've got to do what's right for her and it sounds like you talking to her isn't working.
It isn't going to be easy Anne but you've got to start by laying it all out for your family. You've got to show your kids and your husband that it is possible to live a different kind of life. You can do this Anne, all it takes is a decision to take your life and change it. Stop drinking and doing what made you sick to start with, show your kids that you don't need to drink to live a happy, content and healthy life. Just think how much easier all this stress you're under right now would have been if you weren't sick. You've got to take responsibility for your health and do everything it takes to get well. You've got to tell your family that you've lived your life for them all these years and now its their turn to take responsibility for running the house and give you the time you need to heal. And if they don't like it well tough shit girl!!! You do what you have to do to get well no matter what!
I've helped a lot of people through things like this Anne so I know things can be turned around. All it takes is a decision and once that decision is made don't let anything get in the way of accomplishing your goal. You can stop that generational curse in its tracks but you're the one who has to do it. Is it gonna be easy? Hell no! But it will be so worth it Anne, I promise you! Make your family understand and if they don't, do it anyway and they will come around when they see you are getting healthy. How much happier would you be if you were healthy? How much happier would your family be if you were healthy? You aren't doing your family any good running yourself down Anne, truly.
Okay, I'm going to stop now lol. I hope you take this in the way it was meant girlfriend. With love. Uny and I want this forum to be a place where people can come and bare their souls and spew it all out then leave it behind and move forward. Sometimes the truth isn't easy to hear but I guarantee you that you wouldn't hear this kind of truth anywhere else on CZ. We don't just want to solve a persons health issues. Of course we want people to heal but we also want people to be whole in every area of life. If the emotional isn't right then the health suffers, know what I mean?
I know you've had it hard Anne, I understand that but there comes a time when you've got to step up and leave the past behind so that you can concentrate on your future and make sure its much better than your past. When you're looking at the past you can't see the future. I love you Anne and I know you can do this thing!
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