Going Through abuse again.
Forum: Men Raped Support, Sex, Abuse Physical/Emotional, Rape, Victims of Crime, Help Me
- Going Through abuse again. by #151402
/ Abuse Phys
I am a 23 year old guy. I am small built with blonde hair and blue eyes. When I was 15 I had a good friend at school. He was way larger than me and they were very rich. We always use to be at his parent's house as they had a massive house with all kinds of things to do. His parents were almost never there for some reason.
We were always just hanging around doing normal things. Things started devoloping over time were he was very interested in asking me sexua| questions. This was very strange to me, I was never "sexual" before. I had never even mastrubated, I honestly didn't know what it was really or how you do it.
He introduced me to Porn and showed me how to mastrubate. It was going on for a while, when he one day said it much better if someone else does it for you.
I remember going home without engaging with him in the conversation, but he kept showing his penis to me and rubbing it against me.
One night we decided to have a camp out in the back-yard. He invited another boy, who was also much bigger than I. When we were in the tent, the 3 of us, he had brought his laptop and we watched porn.
Eventually they started playing with each other and me... He was very interested to suck my penis all the time and did not even pay much attention to the other boy. I remember them telling me to suck them, but I gagged and hated it. I could not do it. They carried on like this for a couple of hours. Eventually we fell asleep. I woke through the night with him sucking my penis or playing with it. He would take my hand and put it on his penis and I had to jerk him off.
This incident in the tent was the first time something like this has happened to me.
The next day, we were packing up and was in the room getting my things together. They both were in there also. They closed the room. I was kneeling down rolling up my sleeping bag. The invited boy was lying on the bed. My "friend" came up behind me and pushed my head down and tried pulling my pants down. I was trying to struggle away but he was really much bigger than me. He got my pants down and was jerking on my penis. He tried to put his penis on my bum, but I was cletching, he kept trying. The other boy just lay on the bed laughing and looking. This was very embarrising for me.
I eventually went home and so life went on.
I would still visit my friend as often as always, but things were allot different. He would always want to have sex with me and suck on my penis.
I would often wake up at night with him fondling me or sucking on me, but would just pretend to be asleep and he would carry on untill he finished.
I was so emabarresed about what was going on, but he was in my class and was threatening me with exposing our secret and that would make me gay.
This went on for 2 + years.
Thank God, my parents told me we were moving to another town. We moved and I was rid of him.
Once we moved, things returned back to normal. I was very depressed for the next couple of years and very confused. I was cutting myself often.
Things got bad after school for some reason.
I tried commiting suicide once with overdose but it failed. After a girl rejected me.
I went to the doctor after the failed attempt and he put me on anti-depressants.
I drank allot and went out to parties often. I met a guy who introduced me to pot and we smoked it often. We were really good friends and shared allot. I never told him about what happened to me before. I was very confused at this point in my life.
One night I had a breakdown and told him I think I was gay.
He accepted it and did not judge me. I dont know why I told him that, because I never had sex with another man except that "friend" in school. I had sex with 2 girls when we were drunk. I did not find it strange, it felt right.
Eventually I moved on my own to another town. I left that friend behind and never spoke again.
In the new town I was all alone. I never smoked pot again and got a great JOB. I tried commiting suicide about a month after I moved but a girl(TRACY) I met at the office luckily came to visit that evening and caught me before I could go through with it.
Me and tracy eventually started dating and we got married last year september. I am off the pills and I am doing really well.
However, my doctor is now molesting me. I just came from the doctors office. I am in tears. My wife is out for the day and I dont know who to talk to.
He started a few months ago, but extremely subtle. I was very wearry about him.
Every single time I go there, no matter what for, he undresses me completely and I lay naked on the bed.
He touches my penis allot. The last time I was there, as he was fideling around i got an erection.... He asked me to stand up, and then he "hugs" me. He sqeeses my bum to feel if I have back pain or something.
I know what he is doing but for some reason I oblige to his every request.
I spoke to our pastor about the doctor and he said I am probably just paranoid, this is a old doctor in the town and thats just his way of doing things, If I am unconfortable, I should go to another doctor.
I was at the doctor today, he phoned me and said I need to come get a prescription.
While I was there, again, totally naked. He was concerned about my fast heart rate, but it is just because I am afraid. He was very intimite today with me. He stood up against me and pressed his penis against mine, he had his clothes on. He touched my penis often and "rubbed" it. Againg I had an erection. He stood behind me and kinda bent me over and rubbed against me.
I feel guilty for getting an erection, I dont know why it is happening?
This new experience is really getting to me, I have not even come to grips with the last time.
I am fully aware about what is happening, and I am terrified of going, but every time he phones me, I go.
I am so upset with him and I want to expose it, but somehow I need more evidence. I am going along with it so I can find a way to get evidence. I was thinking of taking a camera of some sort to catch him. I think he is doing it ot other guys also?
I cant tell anyone because, how do I prove it?
I am willing to put myself through this torture again so I can catch him, I want to have the basterd locked up or someting.
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- Report it by SoulfulSurvivor
I am so sorry that you have had such horrific experiences.
No doctor has the right or privilege to sexually molest or assault a patient. If it were me, I would first try to get the dates of these "appointments" straight with general timelines and events. Then, I would contact my local rape hotline and report the incidents. THEN, I would ask the rape center for recommendations on a good, strong counseling therapist and begin the work of recovery and healing.
What may be helpful for you to understand is that you are not alone in this. You are not the first person to have been sexually assaulted by someone else (regardless of gender!), nor will you be the last. The only way to put an end to this type of CRIME is for victims to come forth, report these CRIMES, and take action to see that these predators are stopped.
My positive healing thoughts and prayers go out to you - you have the power to take your life back and see that someone else doesn't suffer the same CRIMES that you have.
Brightest blessings to you.
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- Re: Going Through abuse again. by #77203
There is an obvious common theme to all things you are writing. The one you did not write about, but I would like to hear is - your relationship with your dad. Unfortunately, most dads today do not have the time or even know-how to engage in raising their children. Hence, most kids grow up being non-assertive and unaware of their true potential and great qualities. Low self esteem follows, as do self-destructive behavior patterns that you describe.
Here are a few pointers:
- First of all, realize that you did miss a strong masculine figure in your life - your father. I do not know why, but you did miss that (was he alive, or there for you when you needed him? Was he "emotionally available"?). The type of insecurity about your sexua| orientation that you describe is typical for someone who has not had a strong loving relationship with his father.
- What happens in such a case is something that may seem like homosexual tendencies. In extreme instances, it does become homosexual behavior. I do not think that you fit that description; but I do think that you need strong male role models, something that will inspire you and wake up that male energy in you. It seems to me that some of that is already waking up as wanting to nail that doctor would be exact that - assertive, healthy male energy. Just watching good films can also inspire one to become a man fully. I strongly recommend "The Seven Samurai" as one of the best depictions of male energy, an inspiration to all of us. Or for a more gentle example of male energy, "Dances With Wolves". Get inspired by those characters, learn from them, see what qualities you like about them and absorb them, make them your own. Find more movies, books and so on which do the same for you.
- If you had good relationship with your parents and if they (both) were great examples of assertive individuals, you would tell them everything about that friend of yours the first time he showed any strange interest in you, and that would be the end of that relationship. That goes to say - what happened there was none of your fault. I wish you had good emotional support to help you deal with doubts that popped up afterwards...
- You are a being of GOD. You may not believe in God right now, but I beg you to investiage a possibility (or rather - certainty) that none of us are born by accident. We are not our parents' children; we are children of this universe, of God, and are given to our parents to raise us. It is the most important job, and every one of us better do it well. In that respect, we are not born to be anyone's doormat or servants or play thing. You are meant to fight for yourself, and your parents should have taught you how to do that; if you don't know how, asking as you are doing it now is a good start.
- Forgive yourself the seemengly homosexual experiences from your teenage years. You did not instigate it and you did not ask for it. You allowed it, only because you did not know better. I am willing to bet that had your neighbor been a sexy girl, and started sexua| contact with you, you would go for it. That means you are not gay. If you were, it would not be the end of the world, but it is important to understand what "being gay" really is: it is a search for love by a male figure (father). So many fathers are missing from children's lives today, it is no wonder there are more and more gay people out there. Once that male love is understood and built into the person, the feeling of being gay slowly disappears. But, you do not owe it to anyone to prove one way or another; you just need to understand what is going on. I can tell you I had famous male figures which mesmerized me when I was a teen, and that did not make me gay in any way. Today, I don't find them attractive in way at all; I have absorbed and built into myself those qualities that I liked about them - seriousness, assertiveness, strength of character and so on.
- As for the doctor, I would consult with police. I would walk into the police station and ask for a one-on-one conversation with a police officer or detective, and say it is kinda embarrasing and important to you at the same time. Approach it naturally - and tell them that you would like to help nail the doctor in question. See if the police is interested; I hope you find a good cop there who is genuinly interested in helping you. I am sure they have means that we don't even know about... I would not disclose that you are willing to go through sexua| experience with him again - that is not necessary anyway; I think it would be enough for him to just want to start it, and that should suffice.
- I would not feel guilty about erection and so on. You were already sensitised to that type of pleasure wtih a male figure, and reaction was normal. As a matter of fact, erections happen for all kinds of reasons, and not always only with a person of the opposite sex. Basically, forget about all the feelings of guilt you are carrying with you. They are just an unnecessary burden. You are perfectly OK.
- Most important of all: learna to love your SELF. Learn to do things for yourself. Learn to be nice to yourself, never too critical or condemning yourself. Taking some form of therapy would be a good thing. For me "transactional analysis" type of therapy did wonders, I think it may do the same for you. But it is most important to find a good, possibly male, therapist who is loving, caring, understanding, but strong, who will teach you how to accept yourself and also how to defend yourself and appreciate yourself.
Best of luck and never forget that you are just as important to this world and to God up there, as anyone else. You are also equally important to this world as most others, if not more. It is only those who are most capable that are given challenges such as yours, because we can only help once we go through negative experiences ourselves.
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- Re: Going Through abuse again. by trimnut2
Both the above replies make good points.
My points are simple.
Find a member of the police force who is experienced in cases like this and report the abuse.
Love that girl you married. Integrity, honesty and commitment are important for your marriage. Discuss the current abuse and ask for her support MAY be an important way to build those important qualities into your marriage.
Keep a copy of the record you posted above. Document any more developments.
As one male to another: you have shown considerable guts here. You know yourself.
Be proud: don't step back step up.
Every thing best for you with a strong hand shake. T2
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- Re: Going Through abuse again. by #151402
The same day I posted the message, I waited for Tracy to come home and as soon as she walked in I told her everything.
She was very understanding and supportive. She arranged for me to go see a therapist who I see regularly.
The advise you posted is really accurate. I only read it now, but as I am still working through this issues it is really helpfull.
I do have a father and I always thought that we had a pretty good relationship. But as you state "emotionally available", he is quite emotionally distant with me.
Could this be the root of all these problems?
I am on a journey to get all this sorted out, and it has been very difficult. As per my therapist's advice, I will persue legal action against the doctor as soon as I am emotionally strong enough to rationally think about what has happened.
I am very far from normal, but I have been open about this with tracy in explicit detail and my therapist. I REALLY want a "normal" life. I want to understand why my life has ended up this way and not make the same mistakes with my possible children some day.
I do love my wife dearly and if not for her I would not have survived this. She is super understanding and has not as far as I know judged me on a single thing.
We will work through this, and the above advise has really hit home.
I thought I was an atheist for the past 8 years an vividly rebelled against all things "GOD"
I am seeing my error now and I am trying fix it. It is extremely difficult. I have suppressed so much of me over the years, I need to find myself again.
Thank you for the advise and your kind words.
I will keep you updated from time to time.
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- Re: Going Through abuse again. by #129632
I'm sorry that you are dealing with this situation.
There are a couple of things to consider here. You said the abuse from your doctor started a few months ago. Then you mention "everytime" you go back, this happens. You are seeing a doctor quite frequently then? Most office visits do not require full undress, so is your condition serious to require so many visits in just a few months time?
You are old enough to know that that is not supposed to happen. Yet you are putting yourself in the same situation. I would bet that if you questioned this doctor just once, he would back off. So, that makes me think that you are confused about your feelings here, and maybe he is confused about your participation in the odd examination. Could you be sending the signal that it's ok? For a man to let another rub himself on him, without a WTF? happening, then you might un-intentionally sending the signal to the doctor by returning, and allowing him to continue, that you don't mind it. I'm sorry, but that is how it does appear.
Abuse is not ok. Regardless of sexuality and feelings two people have for each other, fondling and that type of behavior is not ok in a physicians office. If you want to get justice, you can get some sort of "nanny cam" type thing and get the abuse on tape, however, unless you are telling him to stop, or atleast moving away, then it would appear you are encouraging him, and although not moral behavior, and against code of ethics, the doctor could turn things around in court.
I think the solution would be to just find a new doctor.
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- Re: Going Through abuse again. by Michael B
I have some different advice to share with you. Please don't be offended if it comes across the wrong way.
I feel that you need to first of all release all judgment you unconsciously may hold against homosexuality. And secondly I feel that you need to come to peace with the fact that your experiences may have opened to door to a part of your sexuality that you didn't know was there. Just as there is the inner "child" in psychological terms, you may also say there is an inner homosexual within every man. There was some study i recall reading, where the men who responded the most to homosexual porn were also the most "macho" anti-homosexual type. And so perhaps this tendency is deeply buried in the male sexuality and is a natural feature of it.
I believe from you sharing your experiences that you may have scars from female interactions. How has the relationship with your mother been? When you were rejected by that girl, you felt suicidal... so it is deep and has to do with your self worth. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are homosexual because of your past experiences with your friend... it sounds more like you found friendship, and sexuality was presented somewhat against your will. Not because you are anti-gay, but because perhaps you really on the inside desired a male-female experience and were uncomfortable with the situation challenging your heterosexuality.
So i have a thought you may consider. There are many women out there who really get off watching or interacting with two men who are gay or bi or bi curious. You can explore this area by talking with tracy and finding out if she would be interested in that. Or you can find a woman who enjoys this to share it with.
I think the issue with your doctor is a simple matter of deciding for yourself if the reason you are allowing it is because a part of you desires the experience. It really is not difficult to tell someone to stop or to stop seeing someone. Unless your issue is holding boundaries, in which case you need to start speaking your mind In the moment! And get better and better at it.
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- Re: Going Through abuse again. by cumpeled
U got hard during a Doctor's exam and want to report HIM for it??.. U had MILD experiences with boys.. like most boys do.. and tried suicide as a result?? I dont get it.. I think ur problems lay much deeper than those experiences, which most boys go thru. I did. .my friends did.. and we are fine.
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- Re: Going Through abuse again. by understate
I read your post and I'm wondering why you are allowing yourself to be manipulated by this man (the Dr.). I wouldn't describe any of these situations as rape. I do not understand why you don't walk away from these situations. It's as though you have a difficult time telling people "no". You have a basic responsibility to yourself to stand up for yourself. Otherwise, you are really going to be taken advantage of (not just sexually).
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