...something inside of me screamed out 'why are you doing this???!!!!

Date:   12/28/2006 5:50:05 PM ( 18 y ago)

today I bought: 1 cheese pastry, 1 choc bar with almonds and a bag of fries.

I ate the bag of fries cause i was honestly hungry but with the other two things I took a couple bites and threw both in the garbage. something inside of me screamed out 'why are you doing this?!!!!' - and it makes sense. the more i eat, the more I want, specially when it comes to fat and sugar. my stomach is now empty-ish and feeling normal. no more strain, no more pain. tomorrow I'll try to eat even less. January 1st the fast begins, and I can hardly wait.

it's almost impossible to go from a bingeing phase to a fasting phase - for me at least. the two week bingeing phase from my last fast is coming to an end, thank goodness. tomorrow I plan on eating a tomato salad, and saturday I'm having a carot salad.

As for New Years Eve...well I'm going to skip it. Just don't have the desire to go out and would rather stay in and clean the apartment. It may sound depressing but I'm thousands of miles away from friends and family and these new friends I have make a poor substitute for my loved ones when the holidays come around. Seeing as I'm in an emotional mess, it's so hard for me to put on a fake smile and go out.

Today I went out with friends to see that movie with Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz etc. - and it was pure torture. Seeing the shots of LA, hearing the North American accents made me so homesick, I had tears coming down my face. A couple people I was with thought I was crying out of sentiment cause the movie was a love story. That's pretty funny considering how all the hardship I've faced spiritually and economically over the past couple years has drained the romance out of every bone in my body.

All this %¤#&!§-about love and romance is just that: constructed BS to keep the masses in a trance and help them escape reality. Real love for me at least is the magnetism that keeps two people together through all the hellish times and it doesn't necessarily involve romance. Real love is something I expect from real friends. I can't be the party girl all the time, as I'm a person of extremes. While most people might have the best time around me, I also expect them to be there for the hard times as well. I just can't keep on giving and giving to these people only to have them turn their backs when the going gets rough. I've always been out on a quest to find people who are loyal to me and have gotten many shocks and upsets over the years. Maybe I don't attract the right type of genuine people. Maybe I left them back home, thousands of miles away.

I wonder how they all are right now...how they spent the holidays and what they'll be doing new year's eve. I also wonder how things would be if I could magically be transported back home that day. After all I've been through I'm sure they'd hardly recognise me, at least character-wise. I've changed so much, calmed down and matured the past two years. Hardship and poverty will definitely do that to you. So many factors spinning out of control, with little time left to react to all the new circumstances.

I've had times where I felt like I've had everything only to have it taken away in a split second. My world has crashed down in a matter of hours, and after having taken the time and patience to rebuild it, it's crashed down again. I take nothing for granted these days.

Now I feel like I'm 90% of the way there psychologically and materially. I haven't cashed in on my efforts but I've made a honourable attempt to sort out my life professionally in such a way that I can support myself. Just waiting for the payback. I've been living in an impovrished state now for almost 5 months, upgrading my education and trying to start a business. The plans have been put in place, they just need time to go into execution. And things better start moving soon - I'm sick of living without heat, washing all my clothes by hand, seeing holes in my clothing, wearing tattered underwear and socks, and not having the money to go out and see friends. I'm sick of declining party invitations because I don't have cab fare home, or because I don't have a dress to wear. I've had it up to *here* living this way, really.

I think I'm an honest person and try to be the best I can be - but have such a lack of control over my environment, and this makes me feel helpless. Maybe this ties into the control issues I have with food. Food is the only thing I can control - whether it's too much food, too little or none at all. This just proves that eating disorders have a bigger cause then one might believe. It's not so much the taste and texture as it is the feeling of comfort one gets from it. Maybe that feeling of comfort is what causes me to continue eating despite my physiological intolerance for it. The same thing happened last time I fasted. This doesn't necessarily mean I shouldn't fast - but that I should either continue fasting until the problem is solved or not fast when I have emotional stress.

Which begs the question of why I'm fasting now, despite the fact that I am currently in a time of stress. Well the answer is simple. I don't have the money to keep on buying more food, at least not high quality food. The fries and chocolate bars are cheap things to get me high and I buy them with small change. Well the small change has run out and all I have money for is juice. One carton for every two days, at 2$ a carton. I'll also be squeezing lemons (from the local trees) and using white sugar, knowing full well how bad white sugar is. But it's the only option I got for the time being, sad as it may seem.

 

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