Learning to liberate myself from my addiction to food.

Date:   10/5/2006 4:48:12 AM ( 18 y ago)

"I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster, or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He's taken some control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of death from being a total surprise."
Chuck Palahniuk (American freelance journalist, satirist and novelist. b.1961)

Sleep: only 4 hrs
BM: entire day, constipation clear, colon should be entirely cleared, due to laxative effect of senna
Breathing: A little blocked nose, poor olfatory ability(explains why I tend towards highly-flavoured, strongly aromatic foods)
Tongue: thin white coating, 95%
Skin: small bruises everywhere,esp limbs, skin flaky(trying to but cant seem to fall off easily; may be time for exfoliation, infllammation located on left elbow joint, inner lower thighs near knee
Temperature: warmer than usual, guessing immune system is reacting to clear bacteria and virus or liver detoxification is very active
sunbathe: mid-morning sun, 1/2hr
exercise: light walking, 2 1/2 hr(hope to increase)
general feeling: uncomfortable, fat, a little worried if skin can completely heal, hopeful and determined to let the old die and make way for the new

Incident: Mum left the house instructing me my lunch (steam chicken rice and fishball soup with parsley) was in the kitchen. In the afternoon, I went to get some bottled water. Opening the refrigerator, my eyes instinctively turned to the chicken rice. I said, "It will hurt you;don't Isabella." I knew the soup was on the table. I could not resist and went to see it and knew that those favourite fishballs of mine could easily get to me. A passing thought of consuming one fishball hit me. And I said,"Satan, please go away. I am listening to God this time, not you" and walked away. It was a strange but good experience.

Incident: Broke news of an imminent separation from my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years. It felt horrible and honestly, I still am reluctant to leave. We are a long-distance, age-gap, interracial couple. He travels a lot for work and I am in medical school. We met on a spring holiday in Europe. It was love at first sight; the magic was one of a kind, as if out of a romance novel. At the end of the trip, we parted. But the courting and romancing the months following were wonderful. We had a few big quarrels and we worked them out earnestly. We were so serious he proposed the idea of settling down after I graduate. We have not seen each other since the trip and I am returning this autumn to his home country to spend time with him and celebrate his birthday. My issue is that he seems to be increasingly distant, so much so even the occasional loving messages just cannot seem to compensate But why do I still love and care for him? It does not make any sense. Perhaps this is what is called growing apart. I have never been in a committed relationship for this long a time, so to experience this phenomenon is bittersweet. He is a good man, but one of few words and tempers. I understand, but I just miss feeling special to him. I just want him to care more, have a real conversation(not over international sms) every once in a while, and let me in(he and I are extremely private). Is that too much for a girl to ask? Is it paranoia? It definitely is not insecurities; I am fine being single. He replied to my news with "try what is easy for you[breaking up]". What does he really mean?

5 mpre hours to end of day 1








 

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