keeping a normalcy in life

Date:   9/30/2006 10:05:22 AM ( 18 y ago)

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever.(Isnak Dinesen)

The lesson of letting go is so tough because each of us innately want to preserve and flaunt our best assets or at least the image of power and beauty. We worry about revealing personal weakness, perhaps a result that stems from Darwin's survival of the fittest axiom. I, myself, am a victim of this and cannot stand the idea of letting a single blemish in character, attitude or apprearance rear its ugly head; instead, I strive to achieve the perception of collected calm, encharming wit, mischievous curiosity and modest beauty. Of course, this is inherently me, but attempting to sustain a flawless facade regardless of circumstances, I have come to realize is not a possible task.

My health crisis was a very unexpected turn in my life, especially at such an early age. As I have discovered that God is never insensible or asinine with time, I have accepted that this was my time of spiritual growth. Mistakes that I was unaware of were brought to my attention. My previously unconscious living became an acute awareness. Preparation for my future was made. My relationship with God grew by leaps by bounds. I have become a changed person in weeks, and will continue to evolve. My once broken spirit was healed, calmed and glad, and God's voice whispers in my heart; my flesh however is in utter pain, struggling with the demons. This is the final battle.

However during the process, I made countless plans with friends and my boyfriend. All faced the similar fate of either cancellation or deferment. My body failed me. Through a discussion with a friend my problem with planning, we concluded that keeping plans were almost always harder than making commitments. I was not ready yet and God was still working on me. What was daunting was the abrupt alteration in my erstwhile hectic lifestyle, and I fought desperately to maintain a normalcy)the feeling of business) in my life before the crisis. But of course, my plans were not part of God's plans. It is, I have learnt, not a cinch to let go of ourn known lifestyle because repetition easily becomes a habit, ingrained and restrictive.

 

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