Almost a month, and I am still alive.

Date:   9/14/2006 9:53:12 PM ( 18 y ago)

Day before yesterday, I woke up, suddenly urged to clean the apartment, a rare occurance. Took a good looong walk. A gorgeous day in nyc. Five or six miles, maybe... I got johrei, was tired enough walking home that I just felt refreshingly peaceful and normal and pleasant and human.

Then yesterday, I had an emotional upheaval of cataclysmic proportions. Didn't make it to the center, barely made it out of bed to a meeting, feeling numb, toxic, horrible. I offered to sweep the room, feeling entirely incompetent, though the action helped. Went home, wanted to eat myself to death, stopped, took pen to paper, started languaging all the pain inside to get it out. Screamed, bawled until my head just throbbed, quietly and I stared in silence.

Today was better, I applied for some jobs I've been panic stricken about applying for and held back in fear for weeks, despite the fact I'm running VERY low on money. Fear removed and the action was reduced to just walking into an establishment/talking to the owner.

Got johrei, though I didn't know I was gonna, suddenly my feet are just taking me there. I feel alright, though afraid for tomorrow...

 

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