Lot's of determination and trying to stay motivated to quit.

Date:   8/16/2006 2:42:32 AM ( 18 y ago)

It's hard guys. I know it ultimately comes down to a choice, but this is a disease. It changes the way a person thinks. It is far from anything normal. As for today, I am in good spirit. I am on to something this time. It is nice to know that I have this much determination. I didn't know I had it honestly. I am still passing the liquor stores on my way to work and my eyes just wander over to the beer signs and I get a feeling like I am missing something. It is horrible and I hope it will get better.

I will ask the doctor if he can prescribe something for me. The last time the doctor prescribed Zoloft. Oh Lord! That was terrible. He was trying to give me this to put me in a more dormant, or better mood I guess. It was terrible. It was giving me electric shocks at night and I was jumping out of bed like I just had 10,000 volts running through my body. That stuff definitely didn't help me and I stopped that immediately. I get chills just thinking about that stuff! Another time a doctor prescribed antabuse. It is supposed to make you sick if you drink while taking it. I remember taking 2 of them while I was drinking just to show everyone that they were a joke. They just made my skin red and made me itch. I just continued to drink on those with no consequences at all. It is really like the doctor told me a few years ago. There is no miracle pill for alcoholics. I will continue to find ways to help me through it no matter what though. You have to remember that I don't know life without alcohol and it is something that I am so used to that it makes it really hard to go without even for 1 day.

Today I sent in my withdraw documents for the two classes I was taking this semester. The stress from studying isn't something I can handle while I am remaining sober. Nothing is really. Sounds become really annoying to me when they are repeated. I know it's part of my detoxing and it will get better.

My sleeping patterns are all out of wack right now also, I am writing this at 2:30 in the morning on my 17th day of sobriety. That number looks so awesome and I cannot believe I have gone this long. I don't know how I am doing it? I haven't been to AA. I have just been very open about it to everyone I come into contact with. Everyone around me now knows how bad my alcoholism really has become. Most people knew I drank, but because I drink at home and stay out of trouble, they don't know how much I have been drinking and how often. How am I doing this though? Is this just will power and determination? Am I scared that I may die? Is this just a phase that I am going through? Even prayer must have finally started working for me? I don't know, I am just doing it and even though it feels very uneasy at times, the 16 days have been some of the best in my life.


 

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