Its been nearly two weeks since I started this journal. I had really hoped that by this time I'd be making glowing reports about feeling less pain and beginning to walk on my own.

Date:   4/7/2006 1:50:40 PM ( 18 y ago)

Its been nearly two weeks since I started this journal. I had really hoped that by this time I'd be making glowing reports about feeling less pain and beginning to walk on my own. Today, the opposite is true. I woke up in excruciating pain this morning and it has not abated at all. My walking is very bad and I must lean on the cane all hunched over to keep my balance. I admit I have thought about throwing in the towel and a calling a surgeon for evaluation, but for now it still seems wrong. Its hard to explain, but every time I give serious thought to surgery it like my whole being screams "NO". And yet, I don't know how much longer I can deal with this level of pain. Thankfully, I will be getting a decent tax refund, so I can continue medical leave for a couple of more weeks, but its going to be rough. What really scares me is what if I can't return to work? I know, I know, more worrying and negative emotions. That is one thing that is plaguing me, when I'm in pain I get scared and depressed and discouraged. I've tried doing affirmations, chanting, laying on of hands, EFT and other forms of positive energy, but I can't overcome the bad feelings. How can I heal if my mind is unreceptive? This is so hard and I'm so discouraged.
I have a therapy appointment late this afternoon, maybe that will help and help adjust my attitude. Hopefully, a cheerier message tonight.

 

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