you're not going to believe where this post goes. seriously

Date:   5/29/2006 8:04:25 AM ( 18 y ago)

Yes, we're enfuego with the grill. It's great. However, I feel like crap. It's amazing to me to go on this journey. We have guests this weekend, and usually with guests around, I tend to eat SAD like I used to. Note, our SAD is absolutely amazing organic beef and organic veggies, cooked by my man with absolute skill and utmost yumminess. So it's about as good an SAD as you can get.

However, I'm realizing more and more that I don't like eating like I used to. It makes me feel sick, lethargic, and heavy. I like getting my carbs from veggies, not bread. Don't get me wrong, pasta is still probably my favorite food, but I'm getting to know and understand this idea that my desires aren't going to lead me to feeling good, thus I'm starting to desire them less. I know in my mind that fettucini alfredo is delicious, but I probably wouldn't dive into it if placed in front of me, because I know it would make me feel like hell for days.

I've thought about sharing some deep stuff and as I sit here with cramps on Memorial day, with all guests and hubby sleeping, nothing better to do.

So my mom went into the hospital with chest pains this week. THis is crazy because my mom is a workoutaholic, she has like 15% body fat (which is insane for a female), and she's in incredible shape. She's also borderline anorexic. She and my father divorced a few years ago, and it was amicable, but it was because my mom had affairs. She had an abusive father, she and my dad married really young, and long story short, she's just sort of "waking up." It's really weird to talk to her because she seems more like my 13 year old friend than my mom in certain ways. She's an accomplished architect, had 1600 SATs, valedictorian of Princeton university... Yale grad school, she's incredibly smart and talented, but she has no interpersonal skills - she's just learning all that stuff.

I hated her for many years with a burning fiery passion. I knew about the affairs long before my father did and it almost destroyed me. But I somehow knew that my dad wouldn't be anything but hurt by the knowledge, and that their relationship was not my concern. I stayed out of it. But when I came home from college at UC Berkeley, after living an absolutely insane college life (wow this is getting deep, OK, I was a professional dominatrix - no sex involved, all-empowered-women-run business, REALLY COOL and I was also a meth addict for 2-3 years REALLY UNCOOL). I came home and told my mom everything, and she told me everything, and since then our relationship has been really good. I think it may be her only honest relationship. BTW, I left the meth in Cali, thank god!

So anyway, my mom since the divorce has been with this guy, he was OK, they broke up, now she's with a new guy. It's crazy - she has not learned to be on her own. So she was taking someone ELSE to the hospital, and was sitting in her car and had severe chest pains, they admitted her and found that she did not have a heart attack, but she did have some irregularities in her EKG, and would she please come home when she gets back from Taiwan to have a stress test.

Member how I said my mom is in amazing shape - she's in Taiwan with my brother taking part in a dragon-boating festival right now. My brother is the coach of the team. Amazing. She also competed in Berlin in a world championship dragon-boating race. It's basically like kayaking or canoeing, but you're in a boat wiht 20 people. It's pretty cool, and it's an emerging sport in cities around the world with lots of rivers and stuff, like Pittsburgh, where I grew up.

Wow. So my mom was stressed over these guys she's been seeing. It's really sad for me. She's bringing the new guy to the wedding, because I know she can't stand to be there alone, to see my dad with his new wife, etc.

But she's OK, according to the doctors, and my brother promised to keep a watchful eye on her while she's in Taiwan, to make sure she eats.

So this brings me back to what I've been thinking about. When I was little, my parents deprived me of all junk food. They didn't want me to get FAT because my mom was a size 12-14 (kind of like me a few months ago). She is now a size 4-8 at least, and is very very thin. I think because they were constantly watching me eat, making sure I didn't eat too much, I've always had an issue with control - whenever I could I would sneak food. I think my mom was like that too, because she would always hide candy and stuff. I would always find it.

I used to take my brother to 7-11 and we'd buy chips and stuff and hide in the bushes and once my dad caught us. It's a funny story now, but I have to ask, why!!!!!

Why did we have this kind of freaky controlling mindset in my family! Why!

Is my mom ever going to be happy?

I feel that I'm leading a good life and have made major strides to get my eating in control. I have a long way to go, but I'm making strides. I pray deeply that I can have the strength to honor my future children as humans who lead their own lives, and I pray that I can have enough control over myself and my eating to be in a good place, and not to exert that weird energy into my family. I think I'm on the right track.

Now my guests are up and I didn't get quite to where I wanted to be... but that's OK, I've left a lot for y'all to think about.

PS being a dominatrix was one of the most empowering experiences of my life, it was very clean very safe and very consensual fun, if the guys were good they got to jerk off at the end, there really was no sex at all, and it was a women owned, women run business in Oakland California. We looked out for each other and always had security and really it was OK, sorry to freak out the squares here, I know there are many people on this site who are religious, and I'm sorry to offend you if I have. I have no more ties to this kind of community, do not practice in my current life, and was drawn to it because a friend worked there and I needed a job with flexible hours and lots of money for college purposes.



 

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