emotionally drained.. I'm a bit sad

Date:   2/4/2006 10:28:33 PM ( 18 y ago)

Okay, here goes my post -

I feel like such a failure. Because of my illness, the pain and my intense fear of people makes it a challenge for me to interact with people - including Nono and his children. My work here consists of helping in the care and growth of his children, as well as the support of Nono.

But I'm awful at this. What a vicious cycle.
Nono says children are coming over ---> My fear rises, which either creates or adds to intestinal discomfort ---> My anger at my inability to properly care for children and Nono and my inability to cure myself causes me to grow angry at myself and hurt myself physically and/or emotionally ---> Nono gets upset at me and uses biting remarks or actions ---> My disappointment in myself rises, causing me to lash out at Nono and myself even more.

Today, I decided myself incompetent and tired of battling my illness. I was so upset that I would allow my anger to spill out and effect Nono [who doesn't deserve it] that I snatched two knives from the kitchen and locked myself in my room.

With a cry to heaven pleading for intervention and help, the blade flashed as I placed it against my wrist, remembering the best method to cut to encourage massive damage and blood flow.

A gentle paw was placed upon my face. Kitty, who had also been locked in the room with me, peered at me with her large drowning eyes. Her gaze locked with mine - I recalled how it was written that cats allow Spirits to watch through their eyes. Normally, I see her as distant, flirting with humans around her through play, but rarely with touch.

She continued to make contact with my eyes, brushing herself lightly against me.

Needless to say, I lost my conviction for suicide.

I thank her for that, but I'm still so angry with myself. So is Nono... it sucks and it hurts. He suggested, 'I think Ross should drive over and pick you up.' I was so afraid he wanted me to leave.

I still am.

I just wish I could help myself.

~Papillon

 

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