Do you need him? I could be him...

Date:   10/1/2005 7:22:24 PM ( 19 y ago)

It is now officially evening. Not too long ago I came back from clothes shopping. What a nightmare.

Now, many ladies will tell you that while clothes shopping is fun, it's also the greatest excuse to bash yourself and work yourself into such a self-loathing tizzy you bring yourself to tears in the dressing room [I did today].
I'm lucky the family I'm staying with wanted to buy me clothes. I have hardly anything. For the past year I've been shuffling around 3 skirts and one pair of pants with 4 shirts. Everytime I move somewhere else, I have to weed through my clothes and keep the most important ones.. Yes, being homeless teaches you to value life more and greatly lessens ones attachment to material items, but having near to nothing in the wardrobe department is not only inconvienient, but embarrassing.

Now, I'm a small lil' girl. My normal weight is around 104 pounds [after anorexia..] but nonetheless, it stays around there.
Since I've been ill, I haven't had many places to go. No work, no car, not much to do but rest and keep yourself entertained.
The family that graciously took me in cooks a home-made meal every night. At first, I never used to eat. I just wasn't into it - but whenever I tried to say 'No thank you,' they seemed to get offended or persisted until I took a plate. This went on until I got into the habit of eating - though I wasn't hungry.
Imagine my surprise when I had to get a size 10 today for jeans. 10!! I normally wear a 2 in dress pants. The scale says 121.5 pounds. O - M - G. What a wake up call.
Usually, I would chastise myself and learn that no means no means no. But on top of having an illness, being in debt, problems with selling my car, having no job, not being in college, and no stable home [and the reminder you're a complete failure for all of these things PLUS having a real family that rejects you] REALLY hurt. I always think about these things, but looking in the mirror reinforced it so swiftly it took my breath away.

I should relax. I'm going to WA to rebuild my life.. I'm just sad because everything here seems to be going wrong. Last night was a bloodbath.. literally. When I stress out, I get these awful bloody noses [don't ask. I don't know how it works, either :/] A few things my ex said made me cry last night, so I retired to bed early, but then I found myself with my head over the sink wiping literally handfuls of blood away from my mouth. Little pools of red collected on the floor.
This caused a fight between my two best friends. One has a crush on my ex [and he has a crush on her], and the other was pissed that no one 'stood up for me', so you can see the opposing sides. It's like when two parents fight about their child INFRONT of the child, and though the little one tries to speak, his voice is drowned out by the yelling.
It wasn't anyone's fault. I didn't ask for an argument. I didn't ask for defense. What's said between my ex and I is my deal -
and now plans for the future seemed dashed. Can I still move into her house in a couple months? Are we still going to Colorado for school? Are we still even friends?

Ahh..

"Just remember to breathe. Everything will be alright now..."

Thanks for that.. I wonder if you know how many times a day I repeat that to myself.



 

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