I live in the past. I always have, and THAT'S my failure.

Date:   8/25/2005 9:35:06 PM ( 19 y ago)

That's the most I've ever seen! *UPDATE: 10:16 PM 17460*

Today, as my friend drove us to Oceanside, we passed along the Middle school I used to go to. I found myself guessing the personalities of the young teens that had just gotten out of school and were heading to their respectable places.
Head down.. low confidence.
He looks bored.. must have a calm demeanor.
She looks nervous.. insecurity.
Of course, I could be entirely incorrect.

I was going through old journal entries today, and it's left me with a sense of emptiness and depression. I've never thought of myself as a bad person, but maybe I'm wrong. I mean, I had so many friends, I used to go everywhere, I had a home with my father and brother.. now, I'm horribly reclusive in a house that isn't mine with a friend that seems to be waiting for an excuse to make me leave. I'm forbidden to return to my father's. My mother is awaiting judgment to see whether or not I'm allowed back to live with her. And the biggest problem is, I'm sick. Unbalanced Chi, incoherency, an abused spirit causes illness. Was I too jealous? Too angry? Too manipulated by others? Too appeasing? Can someone be too nice? I had a parent that NEVER wanted me in their house because she told her daughter I was too nice and my manners were too good. She said no one should be like that, it means someone's up to something, bad motives.

I don't want to leave SD because I know everything here. My whole life is here. I know, if I'm allowed back to my mothers, I will study hard, clean myself up, strive to go to college for energy healing and hypnotherapy, and ... I'll be lonely. I won't want to make friends. I'll have those memories of what was, and that'll be my ultimate downfall.

I live in the past. I always have, and THAT'S my failure. I try to be good, but maybe I'm not. Bad things always happen to me even when I try to remain positive and be kind to others, so I'm trying to decide whether it's Karma, the Universe trying to show me something, or, since thoughts create reality, I have constant thoughts in my subconscious that are negative that I'm unaware of.

I don't know. I have a headache. It's times like these I'd like to pop an Advil.. no medication, no medication..

No tranquilizers whatsoever...


Papillon

 

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