I turned down pizza, but not love.

Date:   5/8/2005 2:59:21 AM ( 19 y ago)

I can't believe I'm on Day 4 and only barely suffering. Last night some good friends called from our favorite pizza place. I would've loved to join them for good salad, pizza and wine, but had to remind myself that it's only one weekend, that I'm not PUNISHING myself by not going, but TAKING CARE of myself by giving my body a break. So I played sick, not wanting to deal with their reaction to fasting.

Then I made some broth with 2 large seafood broth cubes, onions and ginger (but strained out the onions and ginger before drinking). Perhaps I put in too much of the broth cubes, buecase things were happening in my body, in my head, all over, like currents of cells and juices and I don't know what racing through me. My heart sped up, and so did my bowels--it was like doing a saltwater flush, without the saltwater. When the broth cooled, I could see the fat balling up. Next time, just one cube.

I was running a hot bath when Jones called. I told him I wasn't feeling well and might go out of town the next day and was staying home. He showed up about an hour later, while I was still in the bath reading, without telling me first. I must admit I was happy to see him, and surprised. He hung around for a couple hours and seduced me. Shortly after we made love he got dressed to go, which upset me a bit and I said so, but really, after he was gone I felt fine. I didn't need him to stay all night. I'd been looking forward to reading and taking it easy by myself anyway. And I was still considering getting out of town the next day.

But I woke up this morning after sleeping almost straight through the night, and thought maybe it would be best to stay in town today, since I've never made it to Day 4 before and I want to be careful not to screw it up. So I did a SWF and noticed a lot of little white fat balls from last night's broth coming out. All watery, nothing solid. Then blended up an apple and added water to make juice.

I called my mother for Mother's Day, after not having seen or talked to her since my Christmas visit to the U.S. She was very happy to hear from me and we had a good conversation for a change! A lot of her b.s. I just let slide naturally, without a thought, instead of getting annoyed. It seems my body is monitoring what I spend my mental energy on--clearly, getting riled up over my poor old mom after all these years is not a priorty for my energy budget.

Around 11:30 a.m. I went to the gym and did some low impact cardio on the ellyptical and rowing machines, and light weight machine training for my arms, back and stomach, followed by a brief sweat in the sauna. During the cardio I had hunger pangs, but no special cravings. That is, I crave everything and nothing special. Keeping my belly full of water helps a lot.

Then I came home for some psyllium and water, and a lemonade with maple syrup. Jones called to see that I'm still in the city, and we have plans to meet later. But He'll have to eat dinner without me before that movie.

During this fast I've been thinking of him of course, letting thoughts of him come and go to see how they make me feel. Even last night while holding him, I questioned whether I really love HIM, or just the IDEA of him. He's just a dude, and he's not bad. He's just a person. It's foolish to give a person so much power over my emotions. He's right: the choice really is mine.

 

Popularity:   message viewed 2448 times
URL:   http://curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=975731

<< Return to the standard message view