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Date:   6/25/2005 11:08:34 AM ( 19 y ago)

Well, I've spent a long time distracting myself. I've been getting the new house in order and trying to finish numerous improvement projects. But I think, really, that all of these activities have just been an excuse not to work on the hardest thing, myself. Ideally, this would be the "project" I'd be most excited about. But I have to admit I'm currently viewing the whole self-improvement/self-focus issue with a lot of dread. After gritting my teeth through my "vacation," when I got to my new house, all I wanted to do was to escape. Not just from the situation, but from myself, and from all the issues that had exacerbated the vacation situation and/or were highlighted as being the products of a lifetime with my family members. So, in my new home, I've spent a lot of money and eaten a lot of fancy dinners.(My two biggest escapist addictions being food and shopping, with really expensive meals, I get a 2-for-1 on addictive payback). Not surprisingly, the problems remain. And my addictive behaviors are starting to spiral out of control. Not train wreck out of control, but definitely enough to make me uneasy. Today, as I woke up in my daily early morning fit of panic (which usually happens some time around 4-5 am), I decided to focus on sitting with the pain. What else can you do when battling addictive behavior (or any problem) but try to restrain yourself from the urge to escape?

So that is my focus for today. I did take an antidepressant this morning (the last time I had one was about a month ago). In addition to quelling my urge to run away (or go to sleep, the passive escape) my antidepressants have the helpful side effect of reducing appetite, so that is kind of a bonus for me, given my issues with food and overeating.

I am going to also take a yoga class today. I haven't taken one since we moved. There is a wonderful, wonderful studio here in town, but I've been reluctant to go back becuase of how much I have changed physically. It is embarassing for me, not because I look bad or am less physically facile, but because I have this fear that my teachers will think that I disrespected them (and all of the work they did with me) by quitting my practice. Or that they will think that I didn't appreciate all the energy and assistance they gave me, which I absolutely did. I don't actually think this fear is very realistic in this case, as all the teachers at this particular studio are extremely generous, welcoming, and kind. However, they are still human, and it still worries me. But I had a dream about my main teacher last night, so I think I should go. I've decided to compromise though, and I'm going to try to go to more classes with teachers that I knew a little less well (they are the more introductory level classes anyway) for the time being. This approach will at least help get me to the studio, which is what I need most right now.

 

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