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Date:   4/29/2012 5:33:20 PM ( 12 y ago)

So good to remember the strength and inspiration I would get by blogging here. As I type I can feel the forward motion and motivation I sought. *sigh*

So, dated ex-husband last year for 5 months. He chewed me up and spit me out. And I was surprised and hurt. Dumb ass. Me as well as him. I am not a stupid woman, I knew his heart was not in the relationship or even available to me anymore. I was the old car broken down on the side of the road as he watched the newer, shinier models drive by.

What did I learn? What gifts did I get that can propel me forward?

Well, first that my gut instinct is right. If I sense someone is clueless to what I'm about - well, then I need to listen to that. Big clue there for me.

When I did approach the relationship looking to find out what did not work and improve on them as a couple, I was shot down.

Enough. Finally told him to just get out of my life when he sent a text re: a bill he wanted me to pay. Uh, no. Not paying a bill created by your inability to pay your debt overall and p.s. - no more. Get out of my life. Leave me alone. Now.

I have never said that in our relationship. When I did, my first thought was wondering if he felt lonely and shut out. I felt kind of sad for him. Okay - I will say it, "Dumb ass." I am jokingly referring to me. This guy uses me and I finally get a boundary and I wonder if he's lonely. *sigh*

So, I dated him in 2010 for 3 months and he dumped me flat. I dated him again in 2011 for 5 months and he dumped me flat. Again.

When I began dating him in 2010 I was a size 8, 135 lbs., raw vegan and glowing with self-esteem and compassion for others. I have not seen her for more than a few hours in me since. *sigh, again*

I am 153 lbs., I am addicted to dairy foods, and I am a size 12. No more.

I have been at the hospital since December 2010. I had a few months off the first Jan - Mar. Paperwork. Since then, I am okay. I am now making enough when I work 8 hours overtime to get current on my bills - no extras of any kind. That's okay. I still take piano lessons. I am in my last week of my first semester to completing the prerequisites for nursing school. *sigh*

I used to hold my future on the dream that I would be 'awesome' enough for him to love me again and I would work so hard to be that. Since he's dumped me twice - I am afraid of my future. Most women might be excited because the future is wide open. Me? I am scared. If my family is truly, truly gone in every way - now what? Wife, mother, prodigal wife/step-mother returning home - if I am not those things all in a row, now what? I have fallen so hard in the past how do I trust myself now? How do I inspire myself now?

Well, this blog tonight is one effort. I have this one last week in school and I am teetering I think. I could very well f*ck this up.

I want to read and reread my early blogs, get in touch with that woman who dreamed big, strove for improvement and a strong heart, a woman of integrity and grace.

Today I feel like a woman who is foolish, cheap, ignorant, and too stupid to get out of her own head and grow. Mean, yes. Those words are mean.

Let's do this again tomorrow. Okay?

Thanks.

*hug*

 

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