Day 1 just beginning my 40-Day Fast

Date:   10/31/2011 3:56:42 PM ( 13 y ago)

I am really going to let loose on this blog. i don't feel so alone. I used to feel alone blogging here.
I don't want to and am too exhusted to

I have been trying to discern exactly what the PROBLEM is with me.

This is almost an impossible question to answer.

One thing I do know. I do violate myself. i violate myself by eating more than is OK with ME.

... I'm going to leave all this aside for the moment.

I'll talk about my fasting.

I need to get younger, rejuvenated, youthed.

I have been on raw foods only except 2 times eating cheese and turkey, once today and once 2 weeks ago. For the past 5 months it has been raw only. Jesus, why did I eat that crummy turkey and cheese? It threw away a perfect day count of raw foods only. When I eat again i will probably "have to" have bottled Stevia since that is the most sober alternative to the sweeteners I could use in fabricating my own, self-produced raw vegan ice cream (read, instrument of torture, self-destruction, and death)

WHY , OH WHY, DO I FEEL I NEED THESE FOOD TREATS???

I NEED TO GET SERIOUS AND JUST EAT SPROUTS ONLY

It's clear I am addicted to ice-cream-type substances. It used to be froyo and the effect of raw vegan ice cream is less excruciating, less harmful. And even less caloric. Of course. it's less harmful BECAUSE IT IS LESS CALORIC or somehow one takes in fewer calories in all when one eats the raw alternative. This is one good thing I guess. In my "bad time," which officially ended 5 months ago when I gave up all cooked food again -- GOD, WHY DID I EAT THAT TURKEY???? I AM STARTING A DAY COUNT OF RAW FOODS ONLY AGAIN NOW... but it doesn't seem satisfying when I am just going to eat the bottled Stevia. Sh*t.

At no time has my diet been proper, though, even when all raw.

I'm so unable to get onto the pure raw diet. Been unable to get off raw vegan ice cream for instance. This morning as a farewell to food I had a final binge of it. Over about 4 hours I are 1350 calories or something. I am currently in agony.

so much to explain and give background on. One thing is primary and clear, though. I do subject myself to this rape of eating too much or at times when I don't want food. Daily. It is an awful, awful way of life, and is constant agony, constant torture, constant violation experience.

I have severe anxiety. It's important to me to present the idea that my anxiety is attributable to

 

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