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Date:   4/13/2011 5:52:40 PM ( 13 y ago)

...how do I get beyond barely surviving?

I am taking L-methylfolate, B6, blue-green algae, a multi-vitamin, and red krill oil. Brain chemistry is being nurtured. Medication side effects have included dysphagia, excessive sleep, extreme agitation and sleeplessness, near-fainting, collapsing legs when jogging, and long-term liver and kidney disease. So, choices. What are my choices to live here?

Called a friend and am going to a meeting tonight. Will pick her up in about an hour.

Job is going okay. Mostly very, very well with one or two snags as I learn. Mistakes are a part of life. I feel like each one is will get me fired. My sponsor told me that this is 'stupidity'. Nice. This is my support system I've chosen for myself.

Feel so sad A LOT. Still miss my ex-husband. Why? He asked for a divorce 6 weeks after my son died. He left the sleeping pills on my dresser when I was at my most vulnerable and had already attempted to hurt myself twice. It's a pretty clear message - he didn't want me then and he doesn't want me now. I miss him why? Because a memory is more tangible than an unknown future I am thinking. I asked for family therapy, I asked for help. I was to do it on my own, by myself - and stay married and continue to work to getting back to my old self. The old self who ran the house, the step-kids, the maintenance of house and car, the schedules, the emotional climate, the sex life, the holidays. I kick myself for throwing it all away more than not. It was more than I have now and a lot less than I have right now.

Both parents treated me with that type of disrespect for my life and theirs. It is very, very familiar to try to love someone who has zero interest in my well-being. It is familiar to try to change people than focus solely on myself. Jump to the present. Live in the present.

That toxic type of relationship is all I've known and I believe that I am too afraid to find a healthy love. I haven't quite taken full responsibility for myself I think. I am learning a new language - healthy, thriving love. First for myself. Then the rest will have to follow on it's own. I cannot orchestrate anything. I can only do the tasks of health in front of me. That's all I can do is the footwork for health and well-being.

I prayed for guidance and then opened the Big Book and was given pages 42 and 43. It describes that what I learn of alcoholism will, at times, not occur to me at all. That is the alcoholic mind, one that, at times* has zero recall in helping me to save my own life. Acceptance of this tells me how screwed I really am if I choose to not depend every day on developing my relationship with my Higher Power. (Just the thought of letting go makes me want to puke. I picture saying, "Okay G*d, my life is yours," and I walk into work and they fire me just for being me. That's my mental attachment to relying on G*d.)

Self-knowledge and will power will not help in those strange mental blank spots. So, is all this panic, bad-decision making, fear, remorse, shame and self-loathing a part of those 'strange mental blank spots'?

The only thing that will work is the spiritual program of recovery described that the first 100 AA's practiced. What is that? Well, in the morning I am to pray and ask specific questions regarding my intentions, my mental focus, my direction for the day. In the evening I am to ask more questions about what I resented, what were my fears, how was I selfish. Seems simple enough. I haven't done it in weeks and here I am again. People describing me as 'not normal', 'spastic', 'emotional', 'scary'. Nice. Everything I swore I would change when I came back home almost two years ago. Yet, here I am revisiting 'Scary Henge'. I cannot have my life be in jeopardy anymore. I cannot afford this. There is no one to take care of me but me. I will not go on disability. It is not an option to not be well. I get up every day, I shower, I eat, I dress in fresh clothes, I go to 3 meetings a week, I call my sponsor. How does this happen continually? It happens because THAT I described in the previous sentence is NOT a program to combat alcoholism, it describes life choices but not a program of recovery from my thinking. I am scared. I am truly, truly, truly scared.

I am told that I do not accept people for face-value, that I demand people give me what I want how I want it, and that no matter what anyone does, it is not good enough for me. That's a big slice of truth.

I want a light at the end of the tunnel. I want(ed) to get from my sponsor and my ex's what I try to give - a very, very real solution. When I am in the dark, I cannot give it to myself. I go on runs for weeks doing well, then I crash and it all gets very, very dark. I cannot see. I beg people to hear me out, talk to me, listen to what I am describing, somehow be able to reach in and pull my heart back out into the light. That is for G*d. That is where G*d, I am told, is supposed to work.

When my ex's had problems, I spoon-fed solutions. A woman's job I am told, is to be a good wife. Well, I am no longer a wife so why do I give this another second in my mind? Because I feel like I have been starving my whole life. I starved growing up, I starved in my teen years, in my early and middle adult years, and when my son died - I was still starving. It was accumulation of house, cars, bank accounts, clothes and vacations that I was filling myself up with. I haven't truly felt G*d in me for an extended period of time since I was 9.

I am afraid to rely on G*d. I am afraid to rely on G*d. I am afraid to rely on G*d.

Well, do it or die. Simple as that. Each day, every day. Time to jump.

Jump.

Nothing else matters.

Jump.







 

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