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Date:   2/3/2011 8:39:08 PM ( 13 y ago)

February 3, 2011

I am back to asking God for help on my knees. I am asking that He help me to have the courage to be the woman He has made me to be. I reviewed with Him the many ways I can incorporate Him into my daily life and truly benefit from it – the places where true change happens. Diet – God centered food. Exercise – breathing God into my body through the air outside. Prayer – where I open my heart and let Him in.

* Where was I resentful?
My resentment today was against having been so broken and so clueless. How could I have really been that person?
Where was I selfish in this?
Well, all judgment and no compassion is selfish. I was also selfish in calling people to take care of my feelings.
How was fear or my being afraid playing a part of this?
My fear is that I am still that person. My fear is that no matter how hard I try to change, I will always essentially be that person. I fear being alone with my head. I fear that there really is no God to take care of me. My fear is that I will never love again, all the good things in life have gone away. My fear is that I have not earned my job at Fletcher Allen Health Care. Funny, my bosses tell me I have.
What lie was being perpetuated?
That I am unchangeable, that I am unlovable, that I am evil, that I am responsible for all that has gone wrong in all of my relationships.
Do I owe an apology in this?
Yes. To the people I call to make me feel better emotionally. To myself for being judgmental. To my life for not showing up. To God for not trusting.

*Have I attempted to rule my fellows today and how-so?

No. I was pretty much alone. I did not take it personally when Natalie left without me to go into town. I didn’t even mention it.

*Have I leaned on others for my emotional and physical well-being?
Yes. I could reach no one, thankfully. But I wanted to hear that I was okay.


*Have I turned away from family and friends today and denied myself their company?
No, but they most likely wish I would because of my neediness.


*Have I been swamped with guilt or self-loathing?
Yes. Today in my head I turned over and over how I yelled at Tom on the phone. He is convinced I have not changed – even though he said I have a great program and that he did not deserve me. I still believe that I could change Tom. I am powerless over him. He has happily moved on.


*What were my assets today, things I did right?
I cleaned my kitchen. I went to an AlAnon meeting. I washed my face and brushed my teeth before bed. I prayed repeated and sincerely asking God for help.

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*Had I played the ‘big shot’ today and turn people against me?
No. Today I was kind and open with all I encountered.

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*Did I work grudgingly today or under half-steam?

No. I cleaned my kitchen with true gusto.

*Where did I procrastinate?

No. I did not.

*Did I feed my body properly? Was I a glutton or did I deny myself nutrition?

I ate lunch and dinner today. I did very, very well.

*Have I kept something to myself which should be shared with another person at once?

No. Nothing new.


*Was I kind and loving toward all?

Yes. Today I took the chip off of my shoulder and actually was looking people in the eye when I spoke with them, smiled, and wished every single one a good day.


*Was I thinking of myself most of the time?

As usual, yes.


*Was I thinking of what I could do for others?

When they were in front of me yes. Perhaps I could expand this a little. I did send two cards to my sponsor today – one is a thank you for my 2 year medallion and one is a get well card.

*Was I thinking of what I could pack into the stream of life?

Well, I was not idle today. I knew it was time to clean the kitchen and the bathroom and I did so very well. I got my review file a bit more together. Picked up the wheatgrass for juicing. Yay!


 

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