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Date:   12/14/2010 4:34:43 PM ( 14 y ago)

I love this little village. It's so quaint and beatiful. Beware - my glasses are in the car and I am in our little two room library in town plugging into WIFI here.

Have not fallen off the vegetable cart. Yay me! I had very little to eat today though. Mostly apple cider, a banana, baked sweet potatoes. Ummm. Yup. That covers it today. Oh, and cider vineagar and water.

Lots of shopping today. Mostly car winter safety stuff - wiper blades, washer fluid, de-icer spray.

Bought more stuff to bake presents with. I baked a dozen last night and brought them to the meeting. Rave reviews. Good. Cuz I'm trusting Martha when I follow her recipes and do not taste the mix or outcome. Funny. Falling off the vegan wagon when I began dating Ex#2 was so painful - I don't WANT this food. It is not mine. My loss of the beauty of 5+ weeks of health, vitality and G*d's presence shining out from within me was nearly fatal - it felt nearly fatal.

Last week I was putting cheese in a frypan on bubbling melted butter and frying it into a half-inch thick circle of crispy death. I was eating that for lunch and dinner. Downing it with Diet Coke. Almost 4 liters a day. Yup. That's how I roll. I can hardly believe it myself. Heart disease runs in the women of my family. They outlive the men who die early of alcoholism, but only long enough to have two heart attacks of their own before they die. If this weren't the truth, it'd almost be funny.

Today. Today. Today. Now what. Ummm. Home is 4 doors down. Will have a warm bowl of veggie soup and review the LNA lifting/moving/transferring procedures before I go to one of my AA home groups here at the village church basement. I just love to sit in the meeting and listen to the tower bell mechanisms booming just before each chime of the hour. It's almost bittersweet sitting there as I listen. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. Or something like that.

New England. No place I'd rather be than here. In the Spring I am going to go to Massachusetts and check out John Adam's path. I never knew what my home was to me until the year I lived (and died) in the desert. I'm the only one in my family sober, here. It's okay. I'm okay.

Yesterday I actually wanted to steal an item. Can you believe it? I almost did. It was such a desire to have this item. No one would have seen me. I would've walked away though knowing the item was not mine to have. It was of very little monetary value. I thought that I had to have it. I prayed. I asked for the strength to let go of the 'want' and to trust that I can obtain that very item through perfectly legitimate methods at any time. So, I put it back reluctantly but knowing that if I do the right thing by G*d, I can never be wrong. A thief is not who I wish to be.

Today I walked into Goodwill looking for a pair of boots. I checked out another department for the item I had wanted so desperately yesterday. I had forgotten about the item and it was a second thought standing in the shoe aisle. Like, Oh, yeah - I wonder if one is here.

It was.

It was $1.99.

I almost sold a piece of my soul yesterday for $1.99. Reminds me of Don Cheadle as Cash in Family Man. He's a sort of time traveler who offers people the very same decision to keep or sell their soul in daily, random but small, situations in life. I guess movies may not be all bad.

I miss my son. If I reflect too long or hard it just hurts too much to believe someone so beautiful, so big, so intense is gone from my daily reality. So, I keep it light in on-going daily dialogue and I even hold his hand and hug him. But I don't let my core feel. That part is blocked off. Sort of like a hole blowing through me or that my torso is filled with concrete. He lived there. In my hara, in my heart, in my lungs, in my gut. He lived there. Okay. Enough.

I thank G*d that I am vegan. Day 6. It feels effortless. It is so right. Tonight I will throw together smoked red pepper hommus. If the red pepper is bad - I will buy one tonight at the village market and make it tomorrow as I study.

Thanks for listening.

*hugs*

 

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