live through this day only

Date:   2/14/2010 7:08:23 AM ( 14 y ago)

I've been awake since 4:30AM and I am dreading this day. I am working in a dept. I DESPISE doing work I despise. So, the usual tactic? Roll over and try to sleep for one hour then run out the door without food or a shower just hating my day.

Different tactic? Well, show up and be my best for them. Yes, BE PRESENT. Sh*t. That means I have to accept the unpleasantness of it all with all cylinders firing. Usually I check out, run on only partial cylinders, and indulge in self-pity for the day. I stay hidden in a way. Hidden in my crap thinking and feeling A sort of mental drug to get through. Uggghhhh.

I can pray, read, journal, make coffee, eat breakfast, PUT ON MAKEUP, and smile. What have I been doing for the past three hours this morning? Writing an amends letter to ex #2. I've been putting it off for 8 months. Thought it best for whatever reason. How wrong I've been. My previous sponsor from the state I moved from said "Sit down with him right away." Each time I tried, I just wanted to reconcile so I didn't. I didn't want to do what I'd always done and reinjure others with my selfish intentions. If I thought for one second I was good foro him, I would've tried to reconcile. I just don't believe that at some point I could stand strong if I were to be the object of his or his kids' anger, ridicule, and make amends for fear of his injuring me. My current sponsor advises I do not make amends now based on his anger toward me. For 8 months I have walked the other way whenever he's around. But once did I walk toward him and it was business. He slammed me. He was not kind or compassionate. His manner was smug, judgmental, sarcastic and just plainly - he was being a putz. I continued to just be kind and relay what I had to relay and move on. Thank God - no new damage with this person.

Funny. I still cannot imagine myself with anyone else in this world. I must be in the hallway. One door closes, another opens, etc. etc. I cannot imagine my life with him or without him. I am at the 'jumping off place' it states in 'A Vision For You'. It advises at this stage in alcoholism to fill the loneliness with the fellowship. So, now that is what I must do. Make friends. Be a friend. I have a loneliness that frightens me and I cannot imagine my ever functioning fully with others again without my continuing to be insane. I feel as though I am going to be insane forever. That's a long-*ss time. This is where I have to trust God. I have to.

So, I have this 3-hour one page letter written in accordance with the guides of the Big Book. I will not send it. I am glad I've written it, but I will not send it. Not yet. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Ah, F*CK. Will I ever do the right thing? Maybe I have actually. Maybe I have. This one is in God's hands, not mine. He's got to take care of this as I cannot find my *SS with both hands and a road map right now.

So, this day, this reality, this 'right now'. If this were to be my last day on earth, how could I best fufill it with my commitments in place?

Coffee (organic, black)
Daily readings and journaling
Breakfast
Makeup and Clothes - (yes just do it)
Work (think of the bills that get paid, be grateful)
Clean up after work and make dinner
Big Book meeting (yay! the solution!)
Evening Inventory
Teeth and Face (i am now a rock star in this area)
Read
Bed

The discipline today is to show up fully and not have feelings about what I'm doing for work - I can EVEN have fun if I want to. I can wear my MP3, now that's fun isn't it?

 

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