Just breathe.

Date:   2/9/2010 4:23:57 PM ( 14 y ago)

Ha!

I leave the house thinking that my feathers just might go unruffled because I choose to believe. I leave the house unknowingly thinking that I won't feel anger, resentment, and like taking off my boot and knocking someone upside the head with it - just because today I choose to have 'peace in my gut'. "Yeah. Let me know how that's working for ya."

Geezum crow. Got into work and my 'trainer/supervisor/office mate/#1 gal of a 2-gal department' has a resentment that I can feel when I walk through the door. She insults my pineapple soda, demands an explanation for a mistake, is hostile in her questioning when I followed directions she gave me and I repeated back to ensure I understood correctly. She was having a really bad morning, long before I got here and I was the target of her anger. Alrighty then.

I RUN to the bathroom when there was a break in the moment, get on my knees and beg God to help me treat her as though she needs understanding, compassion and kindness. To see that I make mistakes and that it is my job to apologize and fix them. I pray for light to shine through me, for gentleness to be felt in my actions and words.

I get back and she (seemingly shoots) has questions regarding my data search. My knee-jerk reaction is to answer her question then (this is what I apolgized for later)I ask her "How can I possibly win here? I repeated back your instruction, you deemed I was correct - I do it and now I'm wrong?" Well, I hope to not go there next time. Some may think me justified. Some may think me a whiner. I simply think that the tone under which I asked was full of emotion that was packed with victimization. I could approach this subject when we're feeling friendly about instructions, repeating back, etc. I don't need to fuel her fire.

Well, she backed off and I felt bad. I didn't understand as I was busy demanding to be understood. Is it necessary? I just can't say in this moment. I just can't afford to piss off my supervisor. It could mean my job.

My point? Hmmm. What is my point?

Well, my anger scares me. I could lose my job. I could've lost my job. No - I did not yell. I was not sarcastic. I used a gentle tone. I DID confront a supervisor. It is NOT my job to confront. I prayed again afterward, came back and apologized. Advised I was sorry that my 'feathers were ruffled and that my only job is to make her job easier'. She wouldn't let it go. She advised my only job was to LEARN my job. I told my ego that she is 100% right and to listen and learn. Phew. This may be what 'peace in my gut' really is. Just maybe.

A guest just advised on the telephone of a business call that 'we'll be such good friends, we'll meet for drinks when I get there'. Well Honey, I don't drink, I marinate. Funny - all of my fears of how 'preschool' I feel compared to others shot up as she said that. There's no way in hell I'd meet for drinks or be friends with a guest of the business I work for. I'm long since a 20-something but I don't feel 'grown up'. I just don't have the same social focus as others, that's so apparent to me. Most people spend their time achieving and accumulating. I seem to spend my time ruminating and analyzing.

Where's the 'peace in my gut' here? I am a high school drop out, a college drop out, a professional drop out, a recovering alcoholic, a divorced woman whose only positive contribution to the world was a beautiful and talented boy. And he's dead. Jesus. I just don't know. My score card is reading zero. f***. f***. f***.

Faith.
Power.
Peace.

I have Faith that I will walk forward and not give up one single inch of ground I've gained this time around. Ever again.

I know that there's Power in each morning I read and response journal the meditations to feed my mind with positive thoughts and ideas that foster life and growth.

I know I can just breathe in Peace because I can handle one breath at a time. I cannot handle a woman I don't know admiring me and wanting to be my friend because we have the same organizational strengths - I lose everytime I compare. I can handle her standing in front of me with her hand stretched out to introduce herself because all I have to do is breath and find out who she is and why she loves skiing so much and how much she loves her life and her kids. Just like I did. Just like I did. Just like I did.

I am crying. No time for that.

Let's see - I left voice mail for my sister asking if she votes for ice skating or snow shoeing. Whatever she votes, I'll be 'teachable' and 'willing to take direction' regardless of how I feel. My vote is snow shoeing, but my vote isn't an exercise in being flexible here is it.

God help me. Just breathe. Be grateful. Smile. Second time today I did.

Oh, sis just called - ice skating she advised. Damn. I'll do it. Gotta diversify.



 

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