fair?

Date:   2/1/2010 7:27:06 PM ( 14 y ago)

I've been unfair. People express their condolences. Verbally. From afar. Who can blame them, frankly. I am a little more than scary. Let's be fair.

A very strenuous snow shoe today. Begged for a sign that I'm on the right path, that my intentions are true. Got three.

AA meeting. Offended more people. Sponsor advises that 'we can't hurt the program of recovery, it's in print.' I disagree. What 'kept me sober' for 13 years damn near killed me after my son was killed. People die every day when I am not a guardian of the f*cking solution - I almost did. Who was 'guardian' over me? It was okay with them. After all, don't we 'crawl over the bodies in sobriety?' If I was 'desperate enough I would've gone to treatment.' Nice. I pray those words never pass my lips in reference to another suffering alcoholic.

My sister said two years ago I'm pissing the world off, just doing it one person at a time.

Cooking pork, onions and home made applesauce. Used to feed my son home made applesauce in his first year in the morning with brown rice. That and carrot juice. He was the lesson in love I never knew I didn't know. Now, it's what keeps me going. There's 'true love' in this world. He was my true love. He taught me I was truly, truly loveable. I never knew how to stand still and let myself be loved before he came along. Then, he let me love him right back. He didn't run, tell me I was a goof, or tell me I wasn't enough. I was his Mom. We loved to snuggle and read before bed, even as he became a teen - we'd 'check in' at night. He'd ask me about girls, homework, how to be vulnerable when he felt unliked. He asked ME those questions. Me. Of all people. He asked me and you know what? In my heart, through my heart, through all he taught me in is 14 and 3/4 years - I knew the answer. And when I didn't, I would get quiet, find God in my gut, find my true love and wisdom for him in my gut and the right answer would come. I would apologize when I was wrong, I would ADMIT I was wrong and we would get to the right answer together. Thank you, T****.

Now, if only my husband could do that with me. Maybe it's God's will, T****'s will that he couldn't.

Today I just say thank you for letting me know true love, true wisdom, true courage.

So, now what...

I hold your hand in the car as you die slowly. As the other's somehow live through this moment. I imagine I comfort you all. I tell you I love you guys. I am here for you. I brush your hair back for each of you intermittently but never let go of your hand. I tell you in my voice, the voice you gave me, that I am here, it's okay, It's all just going to somehow be okay. Do not fear. There is truly, truly nothing to fear. I am hear to calm you. I am here to walk through this with you, all of you. I am here to just love you with all that I am. Right here. Right now. And we'll get to whatever comes next together.

You used to say "you can't see time, Mom". Little did I know how true those words would become.

May I be worthy of each breath God gives me from here on out.



 

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