take the inventory already

Date:   2/1/2010 5:30:09 AM ( 14 y ago)

Just erased an entire rant. Resentments. Need to do the daily inventory that I didn't do last night. That's where it belongs.

Did the face/teeth thing last night. Two nights in a row.

Up at 5 this morning. One hour before the alarm. I heard on an AA CD - God's will is what's in front of me. If the phone needs to be answered, that's God's next indicated thing for me. If the alarm goes off, that's God saying it's time to get up. I've fought the alarm clock for 30 years. I've fought God and wasted so much time for 30 full years. So, I sat in bed and let myself just be awake and whatever my brain wanted to do, I let it.

Got up at 6, made fresh ground, organic black coffee. Looked that the bill list I did not pay the last three weeks. Not so bad. Do-able tonight.

Want to 'get perfect'. Want to be happy, joyous and free when I wake up. Want to balance the check book without the knots in my gut every time. Wish I could just like myself. Want self esteem? Do 'esteemable' things. Would rather be asleep, thank you.

Nice. Big, beautiful world and my favorite things are watching TV and sleeping. F*ck.

How many billion people in this world? I dislike all of them, seemingly.

Went for a walk last night before the meeting to 'get close to God'. Just begged him for a 'psychic change'. Begged that he just clear out my heart, clear out my head, let me just be free of the f*cking thinking I'm always doing, be clear of the judgements, the pure self-hatred of who I am, the choices I've made, of what I've become.

Hot coffee, personal inventory, maybe some food. Have to be to work in 2 hours. I haven't much hope for a happier existence. It feels like I'm too old and it's too late.

It's better than it was last Friday - four short days ago. It was pretty bad. Now, it's just f*cking mediocre. A step up.

Thank you, G*d. I've got this great party called life, this gift of being an American, the gift of free will, and a clean bill of health. And this is the best I can do?

I'll just say 'thank you, G*d' again - until I can really feel it in my heart. Hopefully soon. Today, I'll just serve others. I'll see how I can add to the situation and not take from it. It'll be my focus to just be kind to others and to myself.

Now, morning meditation and last night's inventory.

 

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