action

Date:   1/31/2010 6:37:25 AM ( 14 y ago)

I am identfying the trouble spots. I did do the minimum face/teeth thing last night. Not bad, it's a start.

Saturday night. Watched fire works from my kitchen window. Nice, but it's a start.

I watched television. I bought new batteries for my piano. I don't play but took lessons in the past. It was so the children could see that I was doing what I was asking of them to do. I wanted them to see that it truly is important to play a musical instrument to develop the brain and become a well-rounded individual. I haven't touched it but once, no twice, in four years. I truly gave up everything when my child died. Now, I sit in the ashes of my decision to burn my life down in hopes of saying goodbye to it all and that I too would just die off. Well, here I am in spite of my best intentions to overdose, gas myself in the garage, run away across the country, use prescription drugs like candy, beg an addict to kill me in a brown-out, and rehab.

I woke up at 6 to the alarm. I lay there as I usually do just ruminating. Reviewing how lost I feel, how I feel alienated from anything real or healthy, hating myself for wishing for a mother to come along and parent me. Oh, she still lives and breathes only hours away. She's perched in front of her television set, stuffing food in her mouth, dozing in and out of consciousness all day long on the sofa. She's been there, doing just that my entire life. So, I must figure out how to discontinue this legacy right now. Not tomorrow - but today in this moment. Next right action: morning readings from the daily meditation books. Writing out "upon awakening" from the Big Book. Bringing food to work this morning, a large water bottle so that I don't drink soda all day, and to dress nice and smell good.

I am scared to death. Now that I truly don't wish to die, I see what I have become. I am frightened.

Saturday night, my apt. and me and the TV. God gave me so much more potential than that.

Sunday: work, be useful, look to God for my marching orders and my focus. I've prayed on my knees already. I've begged God for change. Now I must take the action and change in this moment. Here goes.

 

Popularity:   message viewed 1456 times
URL:   http://curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=1564325

<< Return to the standard message view