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Checking in on Day 5.
A bad incident of craving. Despair and weight loss (but not in the face!).
Date: 5/16/2006 8:22:50 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2060 times I am still here...I really do believe my face is fatter and puffier than ever. Could it be toxins? What could it be?
Since I started, I lost 2% fat and 8 pounds accordng to my fat/weight scale. I'm beginning to get sme subtle coloring in my cheeks and lips but with the puffy grossness of my face and its texture, that just looks really grotesque, like a painted mutant.
More feelings of restlessness inside overnight, and during the night a feeling of "flu-y" achiness and irritation that went away, but made me really feel like sleeping - I said I'd sleep all day to heal from it, but it was just momentary. I should think these are good signs. Eating nightmares.
I had a tough time yesterday - someone dropped off sme of my favorite worst junk food (vegan "TV dinners") that I only eat when I go on cooked binges, and I was trying to strict fast, which makes you hungry, as grass-fasting on grass juice doesn't. It was a huge struggle for me, because I really did not want that salty crappy stuff that's MADE me so ugly and where I am today, a stupid evil bitch, but strict fasting really puts you off balance. But, hey, fasters, I wept and curled up in a ball and said I just want to die, and I focused on my dreams and hopes, and just let myself feel miserable. And then I threw the stuff away. If you let yourself cry and really realize you _don't love_ that momentary "pleasure" more than goodness and truth and life and health and your poor abused self and your loved ones and beliefs, then you can get through even the most physiological of urges, let alone psychological ones. And then you feel kind of quiet and in a strange still deeply spiritual place and real and loving, when you are on the other side of the craving you suffered.
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