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I cannot focus on anything long enough
Creating my world once again
Date: 5/12/2005 6:36:13 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 5588 times
I told my husband yesterday morning that I don't care if I live or die!! The only reason I can find for caring is that I don't want to hurt my children or grandchildren, I don't want to leave my sucide as their legacy.
All of this said by me to my husband, my number four husband, black husband, I am white and 15 years older than he is. One of these alone is problematic in iself, but all together I am sinking.
I had stayed single for so long 13 years. I had so many things to do, so many things to learn. How to take care of myself, how to earn enough money to live without the constant stress of always being one step away to broke. I am the only one in my family that is always hysterical over money, and No one knows, because I never let on what my financial or emotional state is really like.
I did pretty well during those 13 years, and felt quite satisified with myself. I have always looked out for my health. I never had any insurance during those years, so I exercised and coming from a natural health background I was always studying and experimenting with foods and supplements, so that my health remaind my one true focus and one goal. See, I opened the first natural food store in Maine in the early 1970's or late 1960's. I was happy then, not like I am today.
I don't even feel like bashing my situition. Its not about a husband or my lack of money, or my waning self-esteem. It is after all about me, and my inability to follow through on my dreams. Through all of this I still have them, my dreams.
I started a web-site lack of money keeps me from getting it off the ground( or does it?)
I started a book on raw food and vegetable juices: My approach to staying healthy in a food addicted society. I have been raw now for a number of years and helped many people with their weight and health problems. I am 68 years old and never taken a medication. Well, yes I did. I about two years ago I took zolft for three months to see if I could adapt easier to my situition. It didn't work, so I stopped. My pyhsiciarist didn't want me to take it in the first place, but I begged, thinking I could become more main stream with all the other old people where I live. I am not a old person.
Getting this book written and my website finished is so imptortant to me, I love to help people. I am a body full of all this imformation with how to be healthy and disease free, how to look and feel way younger than your years----it is true you can, not by following the way our society sets it up for you, you will fail and be sick and not when you are older, but as a young person, or as a child. It starts at conception our pre-disposition as to what our health problems will be.
So am I depressed, well yes I am.
Can I get through this? Maybe
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