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Angel in Fur Coat
This Day....
Date: 3/12/2006 2:45:15 AM ( 18 y ) ... viewed 1784 times 12:13 AM
March 12, 06
Angel in a Fur Coat
Left for Kathy's birthday party
around 1:43 PM. I was suppose to be there early
to set up a table. That was my intention.
The theme was Oceans of Love.
I left the house unnerved, but feeling rescued
that somehow I had gotten the results I was after
making the changes on "Because He is a Man."
For the life of me, I could not get the old version
to not be received, even though I was sending over
a new version with changes. How do you explain that?
It was underscoring to me how I could not count on
physical reality. I have already blogged on that.
Not Trusting Physical Reality:
Last year Quicken upgraded and I could no longer
do online banking with the old program. It was six
months before I started to download transactions again.
Very unsettling,. That was part of my financial organization.
Luckily that is behind me now.
From late September to the end of October,
I could not count on the EG Mobile. I would drive
somewhere and then, the engine would not turn over.
IT kept happening. Then the accelerator cable disconnected
right in front of Anastas and Steve's in Encinitas.
The battery kept going dead. Very unsettling.
That was just the beginning. Winter came and I was back
in the thick of intense love intimacy with Beloved--and then
come February changes again. NO more touch.
January 24th, I went to bed with two really great housemates.
Scott decided to light the fireplace, even though one of the
housemates objected to smoke going upstairs. He did it
wrong. The next morning they gave notice. Every time
some one moves, this house manager job starts taking
a lot of energy. There are always ups and downs. People
get excited, say they want to move in, then do not follow through.
Two weeks ago, I thought I had a great gardener. She made
a non-refundable deposit, worked a bit, and then personality
conflicts starting showing up. I gave her back her deposit.
I had a great gardener coming over, but suddenly I do not hear from
him. What happened? IT all gets to me.
It is a painful experience we a person starts imagining
that the person they are loving is the only person who will love them.
IT is a painful experience holding on, as if your life depends
on them being around or in your life. I cannot say how such a pattern
develops. Maybe it is all just childhood issues. IT is no way to
live and have a healthy relationship life. I needed to stop all that.
Just cut the pattern and start regaining my sense of personal
strength. It is a relief to find the strength to ask for space.
My father never could do such a thing if he had to.
I have been putting good energy into completing making
Poetry Plaques. Monday night I made three of the new designs
with the help of Dali. He is living in LA with Rina, one of my
best friends and family up there. That is where I stay in LA.
Today I showed the full set although
I still have some fine turning to do. It is healing to see them
coming into form. Their beauty is an eye opener, and I know
they will be desired. It feels good to have something to sell,
to have something people will want to buy. I have been feeling
like damaged merchandise myself....somehow unwanted because
of my tendency to get into states called "emotional fallout."
So many things have been falling out, that I have been over the edge,
including pressure here at home to find a way to buy out the other
co-owners. Suddenly I can see some possibilty that can happen.
My credit is good enough, according to one finance company.
This week I got two good new housemates. I feel good about that.
I left today for Kathy's and then realized I needed gas.
I pulled into the Arco where I usually pump.
I have never connected with anyone there, but there
was this very alive woman in a fur coat. I could see
her spirit light up as soon as I pulled in the EG Mobile,
my 68 VW van. I felt instantly that I wanted to talk to her.
She advanced toward me.
"I wanted to meet you," I said.
She was a bright spirited woman.
She said that my van took her back to her youth.
I told her I was an enchanted gardener.
She asked if I really gardened. I said yes.
She told me where she lived. She said she liked
to plant native plants in her canyon. I sense she
shares a canyon near mine.
I had the Poems with me.
I pulled out two of them and showed her.
She looked and within a minute said she wanted
them. She was with a man. She returned with a $20.00.
Nothing like that every happened to be before.
I was standing there trying to pump gas while this was happening.
I could not get the pump to work. I was still in an altered state
from all the computer mayhem.
I told her that my phone was on the back. I invited her to call me.
Maybe she will.
I got to Kathy's around 2:30.
Hardly anyone was there. It was a warm greeting.
Then I saw Diane, a woman who I see every Tuesday
who is also doing the 12 steps group. We have been
talking over the phone. Sometimes I read her poems
and then she is inspired to write.
I was so happy to see her.
Rina and Johny came down too to celebrate
Kathy's ocean of Love birthday party.
I set up the table with the poems.
I was in a happy mood. Diane started to generate
all kinds of wanting energy toward me and started
to write a love poem. She said that every time she
gets around my energy, she can't stop writing poems.
There is a Passover retreat that I plan to go to in
Joshua Tree with Rina. I invited Diane. She got really
excited about going.
Some time passed. Then a very attractive woman
came in who had been invited by Diane. Her name
was Carolyn. She reminded me of Paul the Jerk, who
releases energy through shaking and contorting his body.
I started to read. Carolyn started to make
this spirit driven sounds. Her mouth opens and she
starts saying these words that are right from her spirit...
sort of ling "Hiss...boom...bah!" it is a language of spirit
that just pours out. She also does hiss when she feels
energy and her hands move the energy. IT is quite a sight.
She was really feeling my energy as I read and could
not contain herself. IT was fun.
Later I went over to this piano in the other side of the room.
She followed me over there and started to channel all this
healing energy and tell me about the energy she felt I put out.
She said I was like a banyon tree that gave a lot of shade
to other plants...meaning people. She said I was a big giver,
and that spirit wanted me to receive now. So she started
to fill me up. She said I was going to feel lighter, and that
I would be finding a new refuge in spirit. She said some very
comforting things. She was standing behind me. I layed
my head into her belly.
Later on, different friends of kathy started to show up.
Kathy was in the kitchen of this big room at the mobile park
where she is living...a big community room that she got for the
day.
I did two of of the poems to open the energy. I helped
crate the Ocean of Love Kathy wanted. We all repeated the words.
There was another lady there, a friend of Kathy's from LA.
She was enthralled by the poems that were out on a table.
I could feel her energy moving. She was amazed by what she was
reading. We spend some quality time together.
She was beaming juice. It was all very nice on a day of
major let go in my relationship world.
She bought a Poetry Plaque.
Another woman bought two.
I sold $47.00 worth today, just about as much as
I sold last weekend at Marks.
After the cleanup, Rina, Johnny, Kathy, Moriah, the new lady
I met, and I went over to Kathy's large mobile home and we sat around.
It was very sweet and intimate. I was holding the hand of
the new potential friend as she was talking to the others.
That was very comforting, just to imagine someone would want
to hold my hand.
Later she thanked me for taking time to want to get to know her.
She asked me to call her. I will.
I could have slept over there, but I wanted to come home.
It is 12:55 AM. I want to get up and do some more work
on the Love Cures. I have a phone date tomorrow with Chip,
a coach I remet at MVH's last weekend.
Tomorrow is the Farmers' Market.
All in All a very healing day.
12:59 Am
took all the Ayurvedic medicines....
day three done with these pills.
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