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Friday 18/3/2005
Thinking about my boyfriend
Date: 3/18/2005 11:59:37 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 2168 times Yea I know it's a bit of a change of topic but I feel like writting about Micheal (who's a different person to Mike). We have been going out for 7 months. I love him. (Don't know if I'm in love with him. I certainly find him hot though.) He says he loves me and I believe him.
He's so innocent. I don't know how he manages it.
I like him. And I like touching him. (For some reason I'm attracted to people who are ridiculously thin. He only weighs eight and a half stone.)
But I'm so scared of hurting him.
I have dreams and thoughts where people are horribly tortured. Sometimes I'm the one getting hurt. Sometimes I'm the one doing the hurting. Those latter ones disturb me more. I do NOT want to hurt anyone. (Well Rory but there's a good reason for that I probably already explained.) But I enjoy the dreams. I enjoy them a lot. That makes me feel guilty. In real life I hate to see people (or even insects) in pain.
But I've gone off on a tangent here. I'm not worried about hurting Micheal that way. I'm worried about hurting him mentally. By being me. He says I make him happy not sad. Then why does he keep having dreams where I die?
And what if I do die? Sometimes I want to. I can't do that to him.
I'm so scared of hurting him, of damaging him somehow so that he loooses his childlikeness. But I want to be with him. Somehow a loving touch makes things better.
Hell could be heaven if your friends smilled at you there.
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